The UltraDome was quiet.

     Of course, it was eight in the morning. If it was eight in the evening, 
it would be rocking off its foundations with excited fans and hot fighting 
action. As is, its foundations were quite stable, with a small army of 
technicians wandering around the structure quietly tuning and tweaking in 
preparation... the Morlockian-esque This Old Dojo team, steadfast guardians 
of repair work and maintenance.

     Although, technically, there were three units of people at work in the 
Dome that morning: This Old Dojo, Controversial Jack, and Nabiki Tendo.

     Not used to being up this early on a Sunday, Nabiki had slept in her 
limo as her chauffeur drove to the Dome.  She was still a bit bleary-eyed as 
she entered Jack's domain... the boiler room.

     Full of clanging pipes and hissing steam, the boiler room had seen a 
fair amount of fighting action.  There were dents all over the place that 
even the This Old Dojo crew couldn't hammer out.  Still, it was Jack's 
favorite place to be when he needed to 'commune with his inner controversy', 
and it was the location he requested for their morning meeting.

     Jack was sitting in a beanbag chair watching CNN, the Weather Channel, 
MTV, the Spice Channel and Nickelodeon on his portable Rack of Media Doom 
when Nabiki entered. He waved his clipboard at her, calling her over.

     "You're just in time," Jack explained as Nabiki tried to find the most 
dignified way to sit in a beanbag chair.  "Elmo's about to talk about sharing 
while Baby Spice asks for critics to take her more seriously as a musician 
and Dubya's making a speech with big words!  I'm gonna watch them all with 
the SAP Spanish audio channel on, and--"

     "We ARE here for a meeting, yes?" Nabiki asked, pulling a folder of 
papers from her briefcase.  "I'd prefer to get on with it... I intend to take 
a nap before the madness starts tonight so I'm in decent enough shape."

     Jack lifted the Universal Remote (weight: 20 kilos) and lowered six 
volumes. He set the all-powerful black box down, and shuffled his beanbag 
closer.  "Okay, your co-leadership, I've got the booking down for tonight.  
You first, though.  How do we look financially?"

     "Terrible," Nabiki summarized.  She set a chart of numbers on the ground 
between them.  "I did what I could to re-balance the books, taking into 
account the losses Lain told you about... we're in trouble.  Even cutting 
some of the staff jobs, firing a lot of fighters and trimming our external 
ventures, the only way out of the red is to do an amazing buyrate on the show 
tonight.  Even then, we won't be in good enough shape to resist a hostile 
buyout for long."

     "Great!" Jack chirped, his hair seeming to get spikier with excitement.  
"That's just what I wanted to hear.  We're golden!"

     "No, we're red.  Red means in debt."

     "But we have a shot at black.  As long as we can afford to do this show 
tonight, all our problems will be solved.  I've seen to that -- but we'll get 
to my mad wind ninja booking skillz in a bit.  What cuts did you have to 
make, exactly?  I want to make sure we don't fire anyone critical."

     "We don't have a choice in who we fire, Jack.  I picked the best 
combination of contracts to cut I could," Nabiki explained.  She took a list 
from her briefcase.  "Lilith got signed under the same mega-star contract 
Morrigan has.  Morrigan's pulled more weight so I say we only keep the elder 
sister."

     "But I like our controversial little nympho lolicon succubus!"

     "Too bad, she's gone," Nabiki said.  "Also gone is Shampoo.  Mousse has 
pulled ahead of her in terms of being a money draw and a singles competitor.  
Plus, if I don't cut her now, she'll be able to renegotiate her contract in a 
month... and I heard the old ghoul wants to be in on the meeting."

     "I went to Nekohanten once for lunch," Jack mused.  "I think I mistook 
Cologne for a strange charm statue.  She didn't take kindly to me rubbing her 
for luck.  I had to visit an emergency proctologist--"

     "Moving right along," Nabiki interrupted, not wanting further detail on 
that, "Mr. Satan has to go.  He's been a top draw off an on, but right now 
he's being paid to not be on television.  We can't afford him."

     "If he decides to come back to Ultra after he finishes training, can we 
hire him on for less money?" Jack asked.

     "For CONSIDERABLY less money... maybe.  Asuka and Rei have to go; they 
don't have NERV or even ShadowNERV backing them and Rei's Eva unit is too 
expensive to maintain.  I already called Shinji and although Asuka's miffed, 
Rei doesn't mind.  She'd rather date Hiroshi than stomp around in a 
biomechanical monster, anyway... Misty and Voiduck are planning to leave 
soon--"

     "What?  I need Voiduck tonight."

     "Talk it over with them, Jack, but I can't keep them on any longer than 
one night," Nabiki warned.  "I've already got PETA up my ass about Pokemon 
fights being a form of cockfighting, even if they're a popular form of 
cockfighting.  Also... I'm taking Nuku-Nuku off the roster."

     "That'll be hard to break to her," Jack sighed.  "She always loved 
fighting, even if she got beat down a lot.  Although I'll admit, I'm glad 
she'll be out of harm's way now..."

     "Plus she's making insane amounts of money for us overseas," Nabiki 
added.  "As far as the foreign markets are concerned, she's just as big as 
Dan.  We still need her on the air and working for us.  I figure we keep her 
on tour another week and then we bring her home for some promotional work 
here... sort of a mascot in a non-PETA-annoying way."

     "Bah!  You buckle to the special interest groups too easily.  What about 
my idea for dressing a guy up like The Buddy Jesus and--"

     "I have a few other pink slips to hand out, but I'll break it to them 
after their fights," Nabiki concluded.  "It's cold, but we need to get a 
buyrate out of these people before we toss them out on their asses.  
Finally... we're going to have to cut NeoFighters."

     Jack grabbed at his chest and stated to twitch.  "AAGH!  Nabiki!  That's 
my favorite show next to Horse Fighting you're canning!"

     "I know, but we can't afford a secondary promotion right now," Nabiki 
said.  "It's too much of a cost.  I need to sell the small dome in Shinjuku 
and snip the contracts.  The staff won't be tossed in the cold, though.  
Sichi Satoshi's already being courted by NOAH and All-Japan Pro Wrestling to 
book for them, The Dude went on tour with Limp Bizkit four days ago and 
hasn't been heard from since, and Akari Jameson went back to announcing 
weather--"

     'And moving in from the east is a large cold front,' Akari announced on 
a nearby TV showing the Weather Channel.  'This means less skimpy clothes on 
the girls.  I'll make sure I show up to work tomorrow in a miniskirt so you 
guys don't feel the emptiness of your salaryman lives.'

     "The brightest part of my day," Jack sighed wistfully.  "Any chance we 
can hire her back?  Maybe as one of those girls who walks around the ring in 
a bunny suit holding up a sign reading 'ROUND 1'?"

     "All our fights are one round, Jack.  What would be the point?"

     "Cheesecake, of course!  Yummy, nummy cheese--"

     "No.  No, no, no," Nabiki said.  "We can only safely afford one FIGHTING 
contract.  If you really want to bring someone over, I'll leave who it is to 
you-- I never watched the show.  Now, speaking of your decision making 
process... what are you planning to do to get us that buyrate we need?"

     Jack fished a handful of cocktail napkins and crumpled sticky notes from 
his pockets, each with a mix of Japanese and Esperanto scrawled on every 
square centimeter.  "It's all right there.  We've got the three way dance for 
the Gamma title, Ranma and Sagat and Akane--"

     "I'd prefer if Akane wasn't involved, Jack."

     "No can do," Jack said.  "Think drama, Nabiki. Think money. Maybe your 
sister has had a track record of getting mauled, but she DID pull off a win 
recently, and she IS one of the co-champions.  If we want a single, absolute 
Gamma champion she has to participate."

     Nabiki groaned.  "Fine, fine.  I don't like it, but fine.  What else is 
there?"

     "I've got two challengers for the Lambda title, but it's going to be a 
surprise.  The Omega title is going up for grabs in a Battle Royale with 
Cheese.  As for the Hardcore title... did we ever find out who stole it?"

     "Yeah, he contacted me yesterday," Nabiki said.  "Since I don't have the 
money for another gold belt he's going to be our defending champion.  He'll 
call out his challenger tonight."

     Jack frowned.  "Oi, oi, me booker.  Me am head booker.  I don't like 
fighters going over my head and out of my control.  What if it's a boring 
fight?"

     "Just let it slide, Jack," Nabiki nearly begged, rubbing her forehead 
and rummaging through her briefcase for aspirin.  "We have too many problems 
right now to worry about that.  I swear, I'm going to be the only teenager 
with an ulcer and migraine headaches..."

     "I sympathize, I sympathize," Jack insisted.  "And so does Mr. Duck.  
Don't you, Mr. Duck?"

     *Squeak,* Mr. Duck agreed.

     "Why in the hell would you care about my state of being?" Nabiki asked, 
before dryswallowing two white dots of medical assistance.

     "Simple enough: I was in the same spot you are in now," he explained.  
"Everything whirling out of control, trying to keep Ultra running and running 
well.  Each week everything changes all over again and you have to struggle 
to catch up."

     "You're still in that spot, Jack."

     "Ah, yes! But now, I have learned to embrace the chaotic beast of Ultra. 
Plus I don't have to worry about the money stuff. I guarantee you a good show 
tonight, Beekster." 

     "Good. And don't call me Beekster."

     "Okay, Beekster," Jack repeated before his head started ringing. "One 
second..." He reached into his hair and withdrew a Sprint PCS Digital 
Phone(tm).  "Jack here, mouth off."

     "That reminds me, I need to negotiate for a cheaper cellphone and beeper 
service provider," Nabiki said to herself.

     "Mhmm," Jack mumbled into the phone.  "MAN!  That's a relief.  Listen, 
thanks... I appreciate this.  I know you're VERY busy these days and have to 
prepare for your fight tonight, but I do appreciate this.  Right.  I'll tell 
her.  --Oh?  He's fixed up too?  Hey, even better!  Thanks!  See you tonight, 
and good luck!"

     Nabiki eyed her partner in crime suspiciously.  "Who was that?"

     "Hmm?  Oh, that was Washuu," Jack said, deciding to stick the phone down 
his underwear instead of his hair for a change of pace.  "She just cleared 
the last roadblock between me and the public spanking of M. Bison.  I found 
out his real first name, by the way, I had Lain do a little checking--"

     "Jack... I'm concerned here," Nabiki warned.  "If you antagonize him 
he's just going to turn the screws tighter.  We know he's probably going to 
try and buy Ultra after tonight, just like I did when you went into the red 
long ago.  If this PPV doesn't sell well, even with the books balanced, he's 
got us... hell, in our shape, he could have us even if we do well!  Don't 
annoy him!"

     "Annoy him?" Jack asked.  "Annoy him?  Oh, I'm going to do far more than 
annoy him.  I am going to make Bison my bitch in a non homosexual sort of 
way.  I'm going to make him cry uncle, mercy, and for his mommy.  But don't 
you worry about that-- leave it to me.  My infinite powers of controversial 
revenge will reign supreme!  Do you trust me?"

     "No!"

     "Good."

     *Squeak.*

     "And you stay out of this!" Nabiki yelled at Mr. Duck... before 
realizing it. "...I'm yelling at a duck." She got back to her feet, off the 
lumpy beanbag.  "I am clearly not fully awake if I'm talking to Mr. Duck.  
Next thing you know, he'll start talking back.  Now, I've got calls to make 
to fire people by phone, a nap to take, and then I'll be wandering the 
building all night firing the others.  Just.. leave me alone until this is 
over and try not to get me or my family killed.  Okay?"

     "You got it, Beekster! Scout's honor!" Jack said, holding up the Vulcan 
handsignal for Live Long and Don't Touch My Mercedes.

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

     If you mapped a relief graph of morality to the surface of the earth, 
there would be a sunken pit at Point 48106.

     Known only by its code number, Point 48106 is location of Shadowlaw 
headquarters.  Like a giant metal pimple on the face of the planet, it's the 
single strongest fortress of evil technology, evil genetic research and evil 
military might known to man.  It also has cable television.

     While legendary terrorist warlord M. Bison was certainly a powerful man 
with his iron thumb pressing down on the pulse of nations, he was also a 
manly man.  This meant ensuring he had beer on hand (the finest imported beer 
available), Cheetos (the finest imported Cheetos available) and a remote 
control (which actually had a button marked 'DIM SUN').  His television 
screen was as wide as a wall, powered by plasma, and got 981 channels... 
including pay per view.

In addition to these items, he also had a cellular phone on hand with his 
lawyers on speed dial.  At the touch of a button, he would put the gears in 
motion to purchase the bankrupt federation.  His accountants had calculated 
that tonight's expenses would easily put them into hock, and onto the 
chopping block.  Of course, Bison had a pirate satellite feed ready to inject 
his smiling face onto the UltraTron to announce his victory.

      All was going according to plan.  All he had to do now was wait for the 
show to begin.  He fingered the metal wristband connecting himself to his 
Psycho Drive; he turned it up to Level One.  Not for any particular reason, 
he just liked the feel of the dark power pumping through his body while he 
gloated.

      "Soon, it'll all be mine," Bison mumbled to himself.

      A voice cleared itself behind him.

      "A vast criminal empire.  An impenetrable fortress.  More power than 
you know what to do with.  And you want to take over a TV show," Sagat spoke, 
crossing his muscular arms as he glared a hole into the back of M. Bison's 
little red dictator hat.

      The hat turned along with Bison and his motorized throne.  "Don't you 
have a championship match to prepare for, Sagat?" the warlord asked.  "Leave 
me to my... entertainment."

      "Your entertainment is going to get you killed." 

      Bison raised an evil eyebrow.  "Excuse me?"

      "I don't repeat myself," Sagat replied.

      "Yes, but I believe I may have I heard you say something insubordinate, 
my comrade.  Perhaps you could clarify your intent?"

      "Half of the federation is angry at you after all the things you've 
done since you first set foot in there," Sagat responded, irritated that he 
had to point out the obvious.  "And I should add, I do not appreciate the 
flack that falls on me for being your 'henchman'.  At least Saotome and Tendo 
hate me on a personal basis, that I can appreciate.  I have decided to break 
them in my own name tonight, not yours."

      Bison allowed himself a low chuckle. "Why, Sagat... are you resigning?  
What about Shadowlaw's fine dental plan?" 

      "I have no need of Shadowlaw.  Or Shadowloo.  Or ShadowNERV or whatever 
you're calling it this week," Sagat said with determined resolve.  "You enjoy 
growing enemies in the way some people grow gardens, and I want no part of 
it.  I prefer to focus on my own enemies rather than take on the burden of 
another's immaturity."

     "You've practiced that little speech, haven't you, Sagat?  I'm 
impressed.  And I can't say I'm surprised.  Very well.  You are fired.  Be 
thankful I don't take your life as well for this insolence."

     Sagat cracked a small grin.  "You would be hard pressed to try without 
your collection of toys.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have two irritating 
little children to cripple over at the UltraDome."

     Without another word, the kickboxer turned and marched out of Bison's 
office for the last time.

     Bison rotated his chair back to the television.  Truth was... he was a 
bit unsettled by that.  Sagat had been a reliable aide, even if his reasons 
for joining were originally only to get revenge on Ryu.  He had snickered at 
Bison's operations and mocked them before, but never refused an order...

     Not that Sagat was required any longer.  Bison switched off the Psycho 
Drive link, to conserve and recharge its power.  Now that the drive was 
complete, he could reach greater heights of strength than ever before... a 
one man army with no need of 'henchmen'.  In addition, once he owned the 
contracts of the fighters he would have all the fodder he could want for a 
new army of enhanced warriors.

     And if a few of the insects from Ultra got upset at his fun, what did 
they matter?  What could they possibly do to him?

     ...a low rumble shook Point 48106.

     Bison stopped being alarmed by this when he realized it was simply the 
volume of the Ultra audience over in Japan shaking the tectonic plates of the 
Earth.

     The event had begun.  He turned his television down a notch for safety 
reasons, before taking it off Mute, and settling in for an enjoyable evening 
of sports entertainment...

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

            { M A G I C A L  T R O U B L E S H O O T I N G }
            {    C R O S S O V E R    F I G H T I N G      }
            {             F E D E R A T I O N              }
            {                .-----------.                 }
            {                | U-L-T-R-A |                 }
            {                `-----------'                 }
            {          http://www.mtcffultra.com           }

                   |  | |    - +-- ---. ._   
                   |  | |      |   | /  | \  
                   |__/  ___   |   | \  | _\ 
                                   ._	
                        UltraRage  | \   
                              ETA  | _\ OUT WITH THE OLD...
                                   +---   
                                   | -. ...IN WITH THE NEW
                                   \__|     
                                   +--- - +--. ._
                                   | --   |    | \
                                   +---   |    | _\
 
                             Episode 72
                      Written by Stefan Gagne
 With Special Guest Bookers Jeff Petersen, Kerry Stump, & Brian Stricklin

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

     If there was one area where Ultra was financially secure, it was in 
ticket sales.  The dome was packed floor to ceiling once again for the 
seasonly Pay Per View extravaganza that is UltraRage.  Representatives from 
the Guinness Book of World Records were on hand to measure the decibel level 
of the crowd.  Representatives from the Guinness Beer Company were on hand to 
ensure the decibel levels stayed up there, even if they consisted entirely of 
slurred fanboyish wailing.

     Hiroshi beamed at the crowd brightly enough to be seen from orbit.  
"Ladies and gentlemen..." he began, rising to his feet dramatically... and 
raising a fist.  "ARE YOU READY FOR A LITTLE UTLRA*RAGE*VIOLENCE?!!"

     Daisuke only took off his earmuffs after the cheers subsided.  "I'd 
hazard they're ready," he said calmly.  "Folks, thanks for forking over your 
hard earned dollars.  Hopefully you won't feel like you just got screwed out 
of thirty bucks."

     "And that's because we are bringing you HOT FIGHTING ACTION!" Hiroshi 
added enthusiastically.  "Tonight, all the titles are on the line -- even if 
we have no idea who will be challenging for some of them, or even where one 
of those titles actually is!  It's gonna be a chaotic night, and it'll be 
capped off by something we only know as 'Jack's Big Surprise'!"

     "Speaking of Jack's usual idea of what a Big Surprise constitutes, my 
life insurance tonight is brought to you by State Farm," Daisuke shilled.  
"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.  Tonight's hilariously violent 
insanity kicks off on a holdover note from our last UltraRage... it's the 
'friendly' (assuming you don't buy that there's standard unacknowledged 
romance there) team of Sakura and Shingo challenging Karin and Morrigan."

     "These four have a pretty long winde-- err, extensive history," Hiroshi 
corrected.  "Shingo and Sakura were here from day one of Ultra, with Karin 
coming into the fray a season later.  After helping Shingo pay off Ryuji 
Yamazaki--"

     "Who?"

     "You know, the guy who got his opponents to pay him so they didn't have 
to fight," Hiroshi reminded.

     "Oh.  I'm sorry, I have a Sports Entertainment Memory.  Drama gets 
purged three months after it happens so I can forget any potential 
contradictions or gaps in logic," Daisuke mocked.  "Please, continue."

     "...uh... anyway!  Karin and Shingo started dating not long after that, 
and it looked like the Sakura vs. Karin rivalry that existed well before 
Ultra had been laid to rest.  But Karin smelled something funny between 
Sakura and Shingo, and with Sakura's enemy Morrigan not helping the 
situation, it EXPLODED!"

     "If it exploded, there'd be bloody body chunks all over the place."

     "Work--"

     Daisuke glared.

     "...come on, just once?" Hiroshi asked.  "For old time's sake?"

     "Old times?  Like the old times where you got cyborged and killed me?"

     "I thought your memory didn't last more than three months!"

     "Some things you tend not to forget."

     "Jeez, Daisuke, don't be such a buzzkill!" Hiroshi catchphrased.

     "...oh god, I can hear the t-shirt presses firing up," Daisuke groaned.  
"Let's get on with this.  I swear, Hiro, I'm gonna make up an annoying 
catchphrase of my own to counter yours one of these days."

     "ANYWAY," Hiroshi shouted, "Karin and Shingo broke up rather 
unpleasantly, and now it's time for Karin to get her revenge on her longtime 
rival and former boyfriend!  Making their way to the ring, please welcome... 
errr...." Hiroshi trailed off, trying to focus on the pair at the top of the 
entrance ramp.  "Sakura and Shingo!  Or is that Shingo and Sakura?"

     "Good god, this IS a landmark Ultra!" Daisuke exclaimed.  "She's wearing 
PANTS!  ...I guess I lost the betting pool on the date, too.  Damn."

     Up at the top of the ramp, Sakura was fidgeting a bit as she did her 
usual posing for the crowd.  She tugged at the collar of the shirt, and 
wiggled her hips.  Sakura started to walk down the ramp with her partner, 
while mumbling to him.

     "Shingo, how can you fight in these?" she asked.  "I mean, I feel so 
restricted.  Although I guess that could be 'cause I've gotten used to 
fighting in a skirt..."

     "Eh, you'll get used to this too," Shingo said, not the least bit 
concerned that he was wearing Sakura's fuku, bloomers, unshaven legs and all. 
(Nor was he concerned with the gasps of horror from nearby fans at the 
sight.)  "You're the one who said you wanted to try something that wouldn't 
do lots of panty flashes, right?  Don't worry!  You'll do great."

     The cheers turned to jeers like someone had flipped a switch on the 
soundtrack as the next two competitors opened.  Morrigan wasn't doing her 
usual fanservicey posing... she was too busy staring a hole in Sakura as the 
crossdressing shotokan fighter rolled into the ring.

     Karin, however, waved to the crowd politely... more specifically, to a 
cluster of about 50 Kanzuki Corp employees in sharp suits whom she'd bought 
tickets for.  They held up signs (which she had written herself) with slogans 
like "KARIN IS ALWAYS VICTORIOUS" and "SKANKARA HAS NO CHANCE IN HELL."

     "Ah, it's good to be loved by SOMEONE," she said to herself.  (She 
noticed Jenkins wasn't cheering as loudly as the others.  He would have to be 
transferred to HazMat disposal immediately.)

     "And both teams are at their respective corners, eager to get it on in a 
nonsexual way," Daisuke noted.  "Although with these four lately, you never 
know..."

     Morrigan jumped into the ring, non-landing on her feet as she hovered in 
place with her wings.  She curled one finger at Sakura, beckoning her forth.  
"We settle this tonight, little girl," Morrigan warned.  "I had assumed I was 
done with you last time we danced, but it seems someone needs a spanking to 
drive the point home..."

     Frowning, Sakura ducked in under the ropes before she could Jan Ken Pon 
with Shingo to determine who would start.  "We'll see who's doing the 
spanking and who's getting spanked tonight, bitch!"

     "I understand Jack wanted to book these four in a chocolate pudding 
match, but Nabiki canned it for being too hentai," Hiroshi noted as the bell 
rang.  "Looks like he still got his way in spirit, though..."

][ ULTRARAGE ETA MATCH #1 : FRIENDS AND LOVERS GRUDGE MATCH
][ SAKURA/SHINGO vs. KARIN/MORRIGAN
][ FIGHT!

     Sakura rushed Morrigan, running as fast as her new leggings would allow.  
She'd gone toe to toe with Morrigan before, and this was her thinking:

        "I'm a martial artist.  She's not.  She's not that great at handling
         technical fighting, but if you can't get her down fast, she'll 
         either fly around or pull some kind of dirty trick in her powers.
         If I can put her down right away, the match will be mine!"

     And the strategy did indeed pay off.  Morrigan was still cracking her 
knuckles, licking her lips and adjusting her bosom when Sakura crashed into 
her head on.  One short flurry of punches poorly blocked later, and Sakura 
jammed a multi-hit uppercut into the succubus's jaw.

     Kicking off of Morrigan's body, she landed five feet away.  The demoness 
was pushed into her corner's turnbuckle, mildly dazed at the onslaught.

     "Sakura's RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE, and she's ON FIRE!" Hiroshi shouted.

     "There's no gate and she'd die if she was on fire," Daisuke said.  "And 
if you're thinking of debut a new catch phrase variant on 'Work with me' like 
you seem to do every UltraRage, I'll jam this tasty RC Cola down your throat.  
RC Cola... good taste, better value."

     "Why are we doing so much shilling tonight, anyway?" Hiroshi wondered.  
"It's not like we need the money."

     (Somewhere in an evil base, an evil man chuckled.)

     But back to the fight...

     It was working! Sakura thought, as she snapped a few more alternating 
kicks at Morrigan.  The succubus weakly parried one, took the second full 
force and barely blocked the third.  The fight was going Sakura's way right 
from the start, and would be over soon!  Why was Shingo yelling at her?  She 
was about to WIN!

     "SAKURA!" Shingo shouted, bouncing on the ropes and trying to get her 
attention.  "Careful!  She's faking it to get you in her corner--"

     Slap!  Karin tagged Morrigan's shoulder as she bounced off the top of 
the turnbuckle, over her partner's head, and kicked Sakura right in the head.  
The schoolgirl went down hard, too busy turning to listen to Shingo to notice 
the sneak attack.

     "Momentum shifts in the fight, as Karin enters the fray to beat down 
Sakura," Daisuke commentated.  "Morrigan's crawled back outside the ropes to 
her corner, presumably to recover... err..."

     After getting a few good kicks on the fallen Sakura, Karin immediately 
held out her hand.  Morrigan tagged it, hopped in, kicked Sakura a few times, 
tagged in Karin, and the process repeated itself.

     Sakura, meanwhile, was trying desperately to get to her feet.  Each time 
she managed to get up on one knee, though, the alternate partner would jump 
her.  Shingo was waving her in, trying to get her to make the tag... the 
audience was cheering, even if she had trouble hearing it from the blood 
rushing in her head... all she had to do was escape the doubleteaming.

     "Well, that's a pretty cheap way to get an advantage," Daisuke 
complained.  "Perfectly legal, so the ref can't do anything, but isn't the 
point of tag teaming to change partners so one can rest?"

     "YOU CAN DO IT, SAKURA!  Go go go go!" Hiroshi shouted, waving a small 
'Sakura is #1' flag.

     "...you know, we're supposed to be unbiased field reporters," Daisuke 
noted.

     Karin, who was in the ring at the moment, paused in her stompfest to 
gloat.  She held up her hand, and laughed into the back of it in classic B-ko 
/ Naga / Kanzuki style.  "Ohohoho!  How pathetic you look, Sakura!  Truly you 
are no match for such graceful fighters as myself and Morrigan.  Do you give 
up, or are you keen on more punishment for your insolence?"

     NOW, Sakura thought.

     Rather than reply, Sakura made a lunging dive forward with all the 
energy she had left.  She stretched out her arm impossibly far, fingers wide, 
reaching for Shingo's outstretched hand to make the tag...

     And came up three inches short when Karin stomped on her loose pantleg, 
nailing her in place.

     Sakura grimaced.  Only one way out of this now.  And here she was hoping 
to get through an entire episode of Ultra without a panty flash...

     She quickly reached down, undid the zipper on her pants, and lunged 
again.  The pair of leggings stayed put with Karin's foot on them, but she 
pulled herself out of the clothes, dove for Shingo's hand, and made the tag.

     The ring shook momentarily with the force of the crowd's cheering as 
Shingo ducked through the ropes, ready to take over for his fallen friend.  
He covered her exit as she crawled back to her corner, blocking Karin from 
any potential access to her rival.

     But he did not attack.  Karin stayed defensive, waiting for the 
onslaught which wasn't coming.

     "Karin..." Shingo said, trying one last shot at reasoning with her.  
"What happened?  To us?"

     "Simple.  She tagged, and now we're going to fight," Karin said.  
"Attack me!  I dare you!"

     "No!  What did Morrigan do you?  I want to know!" Shingo insisted.  "You 
know what she did to Wolverine; she can get into your head!  She's got you 
controlled somehow, and that's why we broke up, isn't it?  Fight it, Kari--"

     Karin kept her stance... but shook her head.  "Shingo... you're dense.  
Very dense.  Morrigan has no control on me whatsoever.  She did nothing to 
me... except point out how incompatible I was with you!"

     "Incompatible?!"

     "Of course!  I am high society; you are a young directionless fool, who 
would associate yourself with such uncultured trash as Sakura," Karin 
accused.  "Not that there wasn't potential.  You're a bright young boy, after 
all, and a good looker.  I tried to bring you into my way of life... fancy 
dinners, parties, and so on.  But it never worked.  Your low class roots kept 
kicking in!  'Karin, this tuxedo itches.'  'Karin, let's go get a burger.'  A 
BURGER!  An insult to cows, I say!  I offer you the finest foods prepared by 
Iron Chefs and the like, and you want a BURGER!  And the final stroke... you 
picked Sakura over me."

     Shingo groaned, getting frustrated.  "Karin, we're JUST--"

     "--friends?" Karin finished.  "I doubt that.  But you know what?  It 
doesn't matter.  You still picked her over me, regardless of why!  When I 
wanted to do things, you wanted to spend your time with that trollop!  
Considering we only got into a relationship in the first place because you 
needed money to buy off that Yamazaki fellow, I'd say it was doomed from the 
start!"

     Shingo stood rock still, stunned by this.  "But... I thought you were 
happy with me.  I know I was always happy..."

     "Yes, well, I was faking and hoping you'd come around to being a 
respectable young adult," Karin admitted.  "It never happened.  You seemed 
more keen on 'hanging out' with that wretch Sakura than entering my world!  
Quite a shame, I had high hopes for you.  But Morrigan, who is high society 
as well, was there to open my eyes.  If you're entertaining the notion of us 
making up, let me open your eyes as well!"

     A punch probably would have been blocked, no matter how much Shingo was 
aching from a distracting broken heart.  But a swift kick between the legs, 
that he wasn't expecting.  Shingo grabbed the spot under his skirt, groaned, 
and fell over.

     "HEY!" Hiroshi yelled.  "That's a disqualification!  REFEREE!!"

     "I just love black and white stripes," Morrigan cooed, tickling the ref 
under the chin.  "They're so slimming.  And a man with authority can be SOOO 
sexy..."

     Sakura weakly pulled herself back up to standing, holding her ribs as 
she focused on Karin stomping the heck out of Shingo much as her rival done 
to herself.  She frowned, and held out her hand, hoping Shingo could reach 
for a tag... maybe Sakura couldn't do anything in the ring, but she could at 
least keep Shingo from a beating...

     "This isn't looking real good for Our Heroes," Daisuke spoke up, trying 
to be heard over the roar of the crowd's anger.  "This isn't even a martial 
arts match, it's a one sided torture session.  What a way to kick off the 
show, huh--"

     A wind rushed by Daisuke, as a blur bounded over the audience guardrail, 
kicked off the announcer's desk, and headed towards the ring at high speed 
and high altitude...

     And then the young boy hung in the air over the ropes, in mid-kicking-
pose.  Literally hung, against all known laws of gravity.

     Karin looked up from her mauling of her ex-boyfriend, confused at the 
guy who was imitating a Gap advert.  "Who in blazes are y--"

     "BULLET TIME!"

     POW.  The kick finally snapped out after the dramatic buildup.  Karin 
ate it headfirst, tumbled end over end and came crashing into the opposite 
ropes.  She slumped back to the mat, as the assailant backflipped out of the 
ring... landing perfectly on the announcer's desk.  (Without breaking it.  
That happens later in the show.)

     The referee looked up from his hormonal haze just long enough to see 
Shingo getting to his feet weakly, and Karin out like a light.  He issued a 
quick ten count and resumed trying to paw Morrigan... who promptly clocked 
him with her fist in disgust at the fight's conclusion.

     The boy flipped his braided ponytail to one side, and hopped off the 
announcers desk.  "Ne, Shingo!  Sorry for being fashionably late!"

     "HOLY CRIPES ON TOAST!!" Hiroshi shouted, coming out of his shock.  
"Daisuke, that's... that's Li Ping from NeoFighters!  What's he doing here?!  
What's... ah... I'm getting word on my earphone that Controversial Jack has 
hired Li Ping as a full-time Ultra competitor!  Folks, we've got a new 
fighter in our midst, and what a way to make an entrance!"

     "More of a moral victory than a clean and legal one," Daisuke added, 
"But that's good enough for Ultra..."

     Shingo leaned heavily on the ropes, as Sakura joined the two in the 
ring.  He laughed weakly, and nodded to Li.  "It's okay.  I'm just glad you 
made it in time!  Ne, Sakura, this is--"

     "I know, I used to watch NeoFighters all the time," she said.  "I didn't 
know you two knew each other, though!"

     "I'm his biggest fan!" Shingo and Li Ping said at the same time while 
pointing to each other.  All three started to laugh.

     "And so, Shingo and Sakura take the win.  Questionable, but a win's a 
win," Daisuke said... as he looked at the completely forgotten pair limping 
back up the entrance ramp.  "But I've got a bad feeling that they just made 
things worse for themselves in the process..."

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

     If Nabiki took any more aspirin, her blood would be red-colored water.

     "Why can't you tell me who took the belt?" Bean Bandit was complaining 
backstage.  "Whoever the bastard is, he's got my property.  Am I the Hardcore 
champion or not, Nabiki?!"

     "I guess we'll know after your fight," Nabiki said.  "He's calling the 
shots now.  And the surprise factor is for the drama of it.  I can book just 
as well as Jack, you know.  Why would a big tough guy like you be afraid of a 
surprise?"

     Tifa stepped in, playing the Cooler Head.  "It's not a question of fear, 
Ms. Tendo.  It just doesn't seem fair that we have to walk into this unknown 
situation when you have the answers already."

     "If it helps, Haohmaru and Kunou-baby are in the same boat as you.  
They're facing a mystery--"

     "NABIKI TENDO!"

     Here it comes, Nabiki thought.

     "Yes, Ms. Kanzuki?" Nabiki said, without turning around.

     Karin stomped over to face Nabiki, holding an ice pack to her head.  
Morrigan packed her up in a 'posse' sort of way, folding her arms and looking 
tough.  Bean and Tifa stepped away, figuring their conversation was done now.

     "Exactly what kind of show do you think you're running here?" Karin 
asked.  "I was UNFAIRLY screwed out of my assured victory against that tart 
and my weak ex-boyfriend!  I demand a rematch next week!"

     "You're not getting one," Nabiki said.  "What would it look like if we 
gave away a PPV rematch on free television?"

     "What would it look like if Kanzuki Corp pulled all its funding from 
Ultra?" Karin asked, looking smug.

     A column of numbers in red with negative signs in front of them popped 
to Nabiki's mind.  "Actually, it would look much as it does now," she said, 
smiling a little.  "Because all the money you gave us lately has gone right 
to Shadowlaw.  We never saw a dime of it; he's been hacking our accounts to 
cover our losses and his siphons."

     Karin... paused in his righteous indignation.  "What?"

     "Take it up with the man in the funny little hat, not me.  I've got a 
PPV to run here, Ms. Kanzuki."

     Morrigan stepped in.  "This is irrelevant, Tendo.  She deserves her 
revenge, and so do I.  If--"

     "I will decline the rematch," Karin decided.

     "--what?"

     "Business before pleasure, Morrigan-san.  If there is one thing I will 
not tolerate, it's criminals such as Bison BESMIRCHING the Kanzuki name.  
Even above my rivalry with Sakura, which has gone on for quite some time, 
this I must attend to.  Nabiki, I must take my leave from Ultra to handle 
this affair.  I will not rest until Bison is punished for his insolence!"

     Morrigan gritted her teeth.  "You're losing focus, Karin.  Who cares 
what that man does?  Sakura is more important than that!  If you won't take a 
rematch, at least join me in beating her senseless in her dressing room--"

     "No."

     "Do you hate her or not, Karin?"

     "Oh, I hate her very much," Karin said with a smile.  "You may 
understand much about me, Morrigan... but you don't understand about Sakura 
and I.  I must defeat her in battle.  Kanzukis are always victorious -- and I 
seek victory, not simple punishment as you suggest.  I will have my day 
eventually.  Thank you for your assistance in this one battle of my war, but 
now, I have other fish to fry."

     "...fine," Morrigan scowled.  "I wash my hands of you.  I had hoped to 
make you my apprentice, but if you can't focus on the important things, I 
have no use of you.  I tire of dealing with spoiled little children!"

     The green-haired demoness turned, and marched off around a corner and 
out of sight.

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

     For a winner, Shingo Yabuki felt like a complete loser.

     The high spirits of his friends did nothing to cheer him up.  The 
surprise arrival of his newest friend also did little.  When you've finally, 
completely, utterly broken up with the woman you love, nothing short of 
strong drink and songs that begin with 'Woke up this morning' will do.  
Sadly, he was underage and his karoke skeelz, despite instruction from Dan, 
were insufficient.

     "I can't believe she was stringing you along!" Sakura insisted.  "That's 
so mean of her!  I mean, I know we don't get along, but I at least like to 
think Karin's honest enough to... you know... um.  Anyway, it wouldn't have 
worked out, so... cheer up!"

     Li Ping finished mopping his brow, and tossed the towel around Shingo's 
shoulders like a security blanket.  "Yeah!  Sakura's right.  Way I see it, 
when something bad happens, you just move on.  Get it behind you, look to a 
brighter future--"

     "You're one to talk, you have a girlfriend already," Shingo mumbled.

     "Ah... actually, she left to go to culinary school in New York," Li 
said, rubbing a hand behind his head.  "We still write letters back and 
forth, but... I can feel where you're coming from, you know?  Anyway--"

     "Private party, or can anyone join in?"

     All eyes turned to the newcomer at the open door of the locker room.  
Duo Maxwell leaned on the doorframe, lookin' casual as can be, like a pose on 
the cover of GQ.

     "Ah... Duo, right?" Sakura asked, not having kept up with affairs 
outside her division lately.  "Hello!  Just trying to cheer up our buddy 
here..."

     "You got the win, right?" Duo asked, offering Shingo a grin.  "If 
anything, a notch on the 'ol belt is nothing to sneeze at.  And hey... nice 
finisher there, Li-kun.  Risky as hell, but I can applaud a little risk.  
You've got some spiffy moves."

     Li Ping laughed nervously.  "Thanks!  So do you... I saw that Gamma 
match you had before..."

     "Nice ponytail, too."

     "Ah... yours too."

     "I'd sue for gimmick infringement, but I've still got a big robot I can 
call my own," Duo smirked.  "Listen, I gotta go prepare for the battle 
royale, and for.. some other stuff.  What're you guys doin' after the show?" 

     Shingo groaned, leaning back a bit.  "I'm gonna drown my sorrow in soda 
at the Ultra Bar and Grill, probably..."

     "Great. I'll catch you guys there," Duo said, stepping back.  He did a 
jaunty little salute to the trio.  "Wish me luck!"  With a flick of the 
Ranma/Li-esque pony tail, he was off.

     Sakura peered at the empty doorframe after the boy had left.  "You know, 
I don't see that guy around backstage much.  He's a friend of Daisuke's, 
right?  He seems nice..."

     "Eh, it's freshman blues," Shingo explained.  "You know, you and I both 
had it when Ultra started.  You want to make some friends but you're the new 
guy, so you don't know how... let's buy him a Deathscythe Shake tonight, 
maybe that'll help."

     "They have those?"

     "Just got added to the menu last week. ...but I guess I can't have my 
usual Karin Parfait anymore..."

     Li laughed, and hopped to his feet.  "Oi, oi, broken record, Shingo!  
Speaking of which, I know just what will knock you out of the doldrums.  
Karoke showdown at the Ultra Bar and Grill!  Just you, me, and Def Leppard.  
Deal?  Although... um, could you change out of the skirt first?  Really.  It 
doesn't flatter you..."

     His mood lifted slightly at the K-word.  Maybe tonight would indeed suck 
a little less...

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

     "Looks like it's put up or shut up time!" Hiroshi announced, after the 
'Where did the Hardcore belt go?' video package finished airing.  "The cards 
are on the table and have to be played as dealt!  The roll of fate's dice is-
-"

     "We still don't know who Bean's gonna fight," Daisuke noted.  "I'm hard 
pressed to get excited about this."

     "BOO!" Controversial Jack spooked, popping up behind the boys and nearly 
sending Hiroshi into cardiac arrest (again).  "Hi, boys.  I don't know about 
you, but I AM excited!  Because I want to know who exactly went over my head 
to Nabiki and booked this match without my permission by swiping the belt.  
We're about to find out... in five, four, THREE--"

     The Ultratron flared into life two seconds early with... a close-up of 
Vega's grinning, unmasked face.

     "James!  What did you do to your hair?!" Hiroshi asked.

     "It's just that Vega guy without his mask, Hiro," Jack said, glaring at 
the screen.  "Okay, pal, you got your title shot, as nauseating as it is to 
me to not be able to book things to my liking.  You have the belt, yes?"

     "The belt?  Oh, yes, the belt!  Look upon MY belt, you ugly fans, and 
weep at my beautiful perfection!" Vega demanded, as he held up... a brightly 
colored decorator pink leather belt with winding roses embossed in the gold 
plating and a finely engraved self portrait of himself above the words 
'BEAUTIFUL CHAMPION' in flowing script.

     "Eeew!  What is that thing?"  Hiroshi squinted at the Ultratron, not 
that squinting at a fifty-foot screen would really help much.

     "I think," said Daisuke, after a moment's consideration, "That's the 
Hardcore belt.  But what has Vega *done* to it?  I mean, it looks like a 
flower store that got romantically involved with a tinsel factory!"

     "I felt it needed a little work," Vega explained, as he turned to admire 
his handiwork.  "It was so mundane before -- just like the other belts.  MY 
belt should be different and special.  It should be a work worthy of the 
Louvre, a TRUE fashion accessory!  And don't you think the roses coordinate 
nicely with my hair?"  He preened, holding the belt up to the side of his 
face.

     "Ick," Daisuke summarized.  "I don't think they'll coordinate real well 
with Bean's--"

     The Ultratron's picture split down the middle, the new image very full 
of a very, very, very, very, very, angry Bean Bandit.

     "VEGA!" he shouted.  "What the hell did you do to that thing?!  Give me 
back my belt!"

     "Nooo, I don't think so," Vega said.  "I came here to fight for it, you 
see.  To show that I am the most beautiful and graceful hardcore champion of 
all!"

     Jack hmm'd, consulting a moment with Mr. Duck.  "We'll allow it, not 
that we have much choice," he said.  "Bean, what do you think?"

     Bean shrugged.  "Okay, fine.  Sure.  I can pound that pansy into a paste 
any day."

     Vega appeared to consider it for a moment, then something behind Bean 
caught his eye and changed his mind.  "I'd much rather fight that sweet 
little girlfriend of yours.  She'd be much more interesting to slice up than 
your grimy, unmoisturized hide.  After all, a mindless brawl with you would 
be a work of ugliness, not a work of beauty and art."

     Bean drew a breath, obviously about to explode once more, but a slender 
hand grabbed his arm and yanked him roughly out of the picture.  Frantic 
whispering could be heard, punctuated several times by vehement utterances of 
"shiny".  Finally, Tifa stepped into the camera's field of view, backed up by 
a chastened but still-angry Bean.  "I accept.  WE accept, as it really is 
Bean's belt."

     "Cool!"  Jack rubbed his hands in excitement, that mad booking gleam in 
his eye.  "Looks like we can salvage something out of this snafu after all!  
So, it'll be beauty--" Jack was looking at Tifa, but both she and Vega smiled 
as he said it, "and the, uh, something for the Ultra Hardcore Championship!"

     "Wait," demanded Vega, pouting.  "I desire a cage match.  I refuse to 
fight tonight without a cage.  How else could a technical artist such as 
myself truly show his talents with no proper canvas?"

     Jack put his hands on his hips.  "I was in a good mood just now, pal, 
don't get on my nerves.  I call the shots in Ultra; Do Not Taunt Happy Fun 
Booker--"

     Bean had whispered something in Tifa's ear, and now she interrupted 
Jack.  "A cage is fine with me," she replied.  "In fact, I'll insist on it 
too."

     "What do you need me for, then?  Why don't you fighters just arrange all 
the matches?  Good grief.  You can have your stupid cage, both of you."  Jack 
stalked off in a huff, and the Ultratron blinked back to the glowing, 
spinning UltraRage logo.

     Always ready for anything, the steel cage's assembly had begun the 
moment the letter 'S' had first crossed Vega's lips.

     "Ruthless efficiency never looked so good," Daisuke admitted.  "The Dojo 
crew are already finished with the cage, Hiroshi."

     "And just in time, too, because here comes Vega for the Hardcore title 
fight!  Don't you think he looks like a champion, Dai?"

     "..."

     Vega strode down the ramp with pride, the redecorated Hardcore Belt 
clasped around his waist, his hands raised in acknowledgement of the few 
cheers he received.  He left a cloud of flower petals, bits of tinsel, and 
the heavy scent of cologne in his wake, causing the first few rows of fans to 
either back away or (in the case of a few over-prepared Ultra zealots) don 
gas masks.

     When he reached ringside, Vega casually tossed his cape aside.  His 
sculpted torso gleamed under the bright lights;  his golden-brown hair 
shimmered as he reached up to smooth a few hairs that had escaped his manly 
braid; his perfect face was radiant with the expectation of glory as he posed 
briefly holding the belt above his head.

     Vega set his belt on the announcers table and snagged Daisuke's 
microphone.  "There have been good fighters and brutal fighters who have 
owned this belt," he announced to anyone who cared.  "But none has deserved 
to own it as much as I.  Beauty is power, and handsome fighters always win!"

     The last few words were drowned out by the roar of the crowd as Tifa 
made her entrance.  She smiled and waved to the thousands of adoring fans, 
then made her way down to the ring with a businesslike demeanor.  She pushed 
past a floor tech flunky as he tried to hand her a microphone, and climbed up 
the cage to the hatch in the top.  Vega and the referee joined her there, 
then everyone dropped into the ring and the hatch was locked behind them.

     Bean had followed his partner ringside at a respectful distance, not 
wanting to steal her moment of glory.  He stopped next to the ring and 
inspected the cage, idly thumping it with the heel of his palm.  He looked at 
his hand in mild surprise as he couldn't even dent the bars, then shrugged 
and yelled, "Kick his ass, Teef!  Make him pay for what he did to my belt!"

     "So what do you think Vega's chances are?" Hiroshi wondered.

     "I don't know - it's not like we've seen that much of him.  He's got 
that claw, and he did have a cage match against Shermie, which he lost; until 
she zapped him, mind you, he was doing pretty well for himself.  We haven't 
seen him exhibit any really special attacks - so Tifa will probably have an 
advantage with her magic."

     "But that claw, wow!  And since this is Hardcore, he doesn't need to 
blunt those blades!  Tifa's got to respect that.  This could set a whole new 
standard for Ultraviolence!"

     "And lawsuits from concerned parent groups," Daisuke added.

     Vega pulled the mask on, carefully avoiding dislodging his hair.  The 
claw went on next, its polished surfaces reflecting the ring lights like a 
disco ball of death.  He waved it through the air a couple of times to make 
sure it was strapped on properly.  Satisfied, he settled into a guard 
position and gestured with the claw for his opponent to come to him.  "Sweet 
girls like you always desire a fine man such as myself... you're going to be 
lucky, tonight.  You'll be my finest work yet."

     Tifa merely stretched and cracked her knuckles, betraying no emotion at 
all.

     The bell rang...

][ ULTRARAGE ETA MATCH #2 : HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP
][ VEGA vs. TIFA
][ Special Guest Booker : Kerry Stump
][ FIGHT!

     ...and neither fighter moved.

     "A new standard for pacifism, maybe," mocked Daisuke.

     After a couple of seconds Tifa relaxed her stance and bounced in place, 
much to the audience's delight.  "I knew it.  You talk tough, but no *real* 
fighter wears a mask into the ring for protection.  And now you're too scared 
of messing up that pretty face to attack me."

     "No, I just wanted to be polite and allow you the first move.  But if 
you insist..."  Vega did a back handspring to the edge of the ring, then 
kicked off the side of the cage in a dramatic leaping kick.  Tifa went to one 
knee and dodged cleanly under it, and rose with a powerful uppercut to meet 
Vega as he spun back to face her.

     Tifa's punch didn't land cleanly - it just grazed the front of Vega's 
mask, pushing it up a couple of centimeters and obscuring his view.  Tifa 
realized this immediately and closed to pound the Spanish ninja while she had 
an advantage.  Vega lashed out blindly with the claw, catching Tifa on the 
cheek with the tip of one blade as she launched herself backwards out of the 
way.

     "Something has to be done about the Hardcore rules - I can't believe we 
haven't had a fatality yet," murmurred Daisuke.

     The former revolutionary landed on her butt, well away from Vega.  She 
put one hand to her face and then examined the dark smear of blood on her 
glove.  Her lip curled and she stood up.  "Now you see why I wear this mask," 
noted Vega, having pulled the facial armor back into its correct position.  
"It is a shame that I could not actually see what I was doing - young skin is 
such a joy to cut, but just by feel I can tell that yours will be among the 
smoothest, most perfect I will ever have the chance to savor."

     "That was the last chance you'll get," snarled Tifa, and she charged her 
opponent.  Fists and claw flew in all directions.  Neither fighter landed a 
solid blow - Tifa was staying as far away from Vega's claw as she could while 
Vega was doing a good job of blocking or parrying all of her punches.

     "This is the furious action we all came for, isn't it, folks?" crowed 
Hiroshi.  The audience roared its approval as the two fighters increased the 
speed and ferocity of their attacks.

     Finally Tifa became frustrated with the stalemate and tried to back away 
to cast a spell.  Unfortunately for her the claw gave Vega a huge reach 
advantage that allowed him to keep her on the run.  "Fi-"  *woosh*  "Ice-"  
*zip*  "Sl-"  *whhhhit*  "Eeek!"  Off-balance, she stumbled forward to try to 
clench with Vega.  He was ready for her, and as she broke through his guard 
range he grabbed her and tossed her over his head and against the side of the 
cage.

     "Tifa goes down, hard!"  Hiroshi was halfway out of his seat with 
excitement.

     Tifa bounced right to her feet with a glint in her eye.  Before Vega 
could even blink, she dove back in and uppercutted him into the air, hit him 
with a back-flipping kick, caught him on his way back down, and suplexed him 
into the mat.  She backed off to catch her breath and choose an appropriate 
spell to finish the fight with.

     "I dunno, Hiroshi.  It almost seems like Tifa has to get beaten up a 
little before she lets herself unload on an opponent.  Maybe she has trouble 
getting 'into the zone'.  Hmm.  I suspect Jack's permanent mailing address is 
'in the zone', now that I think about it..."

     Vega levered himself to his feet, supporting himself on the cage with 
his claw.  Tifa smirked as her choice was made for her.  "BOLT2!  Die, 
freak!"

     Fifty thousand volts of angry electricity arced through the metal of the 
cage.  Tifa turned to the audience, her fist raised in victory.  It felt so 
good to win - now she understood why Bean was so cheesed off when -

     "Teef, LOOK OUT!"

     She spun back just in time to catch Vega's roundhouse backhand full on 
the chin.

     Tifa went down, and ten seconds later the fight was over.

     "Waitaminnit!  What just happened?  Why isn't Vega down and twitching?"  
Hiroshi pounded the desk in puzzlement and frustration.

     Vega stood over Tifa's still form and addressed the crowd.  "Ceramic-
composite blades," he declared, gesticulating with the claw.  "What, you 
thought I'd let myself fall to the same tactic twice in a row?  Just because 
I'm beautiful doesn't mean I'm stupid."

     The referee signaled for the cage to be opened.  Vega, however, was not 
done.  He pulled his mask off and tossed it to one corner, then leaned over 
to examine Tifa.  She was sprawled out on the mat, face down, and just 
beginning to stir.  "So perfect..." whispered Vega.  His eyes widened 
fractionally and his breathing deepened slightly.  He trembled as he reached 
to her with the claw, though the tips of the blades were rock-steady.

     "Hey, now, what are you doing?" asked the referee indignantly.  "She's 
alrea-"  Vega casually swatted the ref to the mat, not even bothering to look 
away from his target.  Slowly, almost tenderly, he set the point of his blade 
at the base of Tifa's left calf.  A fat drop of blood welled up and rolled an 
inch back towards her foot where it was absorbed by her (formerly) white 
sock.

     "Someone get in there!  Vega's gone totally psycho!"  Hiroshi looked 
like he was on the verge of a psychotic breakdown himself.  "Oh, the 
humanity!"

     "What, you expected a man who wears a mask and a bladed claw to be a 
paragon of stability and virtue?"

     Just outside the cage, Bean was going mildly berserk.  "Stop, stop, you 
bastard!  If you hurt her, I'll kill you!"  He virtually leaped to the top of 
the cage, where the This Old Dojo techs were struggling with the hatch.  He 
grabbed the hatch with both hands and pulled with all his might.  It didn't 
budge.  "Why won't this open?"

     The tech studied the situation.  "The lightning must have melted the 
lock.  We'll cut through it as fast as we can."  He pulled a welding mask 
down over his face and lit the handy cutting torch.  Sparks flew into the 
center of the ring, starting a small fire on the referee's pants and 
providing a vivid backdrop for the villainy inside the cage.  Bean snarled in 
rage, then had a sudden brainstorm and dropped back down to ringside.

     Vega slowly traced a sinusoidal line up the back of Tifa's leg, 
gradually increasing the depth of his cut.  "...perfect..."  While there 
wasn't a lot of blood, the entire length of the wound was leaking and her 
whole calf glistened with the sticky red wetness.  The blade nicked a nerve 
and she stiffened, coming back to her senses.  She was still far too weak to 
resist, though, when Vega set his knee in the small of her back, pinning her 
to the mat for his further enjoyment.  He took a moment to reset his blade, 
then continued up the back of her leg.

     Just as Vega reached the hem of Tifa's shorts, a hand burst up through 
the mat just a few feet away.  The ninja leapt to his feet and stepped back 
as another meaty hand reached through the mat and started to rip a wider 
hole.

     As Bean shouldered his way up through the canvas the cage hatch banged 
open.  Vega jumped up and scrambled out of the cage as Bean got his footing 
in the ring.  "VEGA!!!" he shouted at him... which was the Spanish ninja's 
cue to grab the Hardcore belt and sprint past the announcers' desk, to the 
backstage area.

     Bean visibly considered pursuing him, but stopped as he glanced down at 
the writhing form still down on the mat.  "Teef..."

     "Daisuke?  I may hurl," Hiroshi gurgled.

     "...well, that was ugly," Daisuke said, watching the medical staff hurry 
out to ringside.  "Here I had him pegged as a James clone... fairly annoying, 
mildly amusing.  No big deal.  But even Sagat wouldn't do something like 
that.  Sure, he'd break your arms, but he wouldn't skin them first.  
Fortunately it's only a cut and looks worse than it really is, so Tifa should 
do okay, but... um, folks, don't go away, we've got more... I'd rather not 
say Ultraviolence right now, Hiro.  Can you?"

     "BLARGGHHPFFFFPPBBLRAAAHH," Hiroshi replied, head first into some fan's 
empty popcorn bucket.

     "Oh.  I guess that'll do."

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

     You wouldn't suspect the guy prancing around backstage singing a Spanish 
ditty of having a wild, unrestrained bloodlust.  Of course, he didn't see 
himself as having one either; it was simply his own unique appreciation of 
beauty, after all.  He didn't quite understand that dark look on Nabiki 
Tendo's face as she approached him on the way to his dressing room.

     "A lovely title defense, don't you agree?" Vega asked, smiling down at 
the shorter girl.  "Poetry in motion, art at its finest!  I look forward to 
testing my mettle and my metal against many more of the delicate flowers 
that--"

     Nabiki held up a hand to silence him.

     "Unfortunately, that was legal under Hardcore title match rules," she 
said in a tone that suggested she was doing what she could to control it, as 
she glanced at his still-bloodied claw.  "I can't exactly restrict you from 
using that... thing in your matches.  But I will say this: I'm going to be 
watching you.  I may be a busy woman, but I WILL be watching.  If you go too 
far, you will get smacked down hard.  I run this show, I OWN Ultra, and I'm 
not going to have that in my ring."

     "...I see you don't appreciate the aesthetic I ascribe to," Vega spoke, 
losing some of his prior joy.  "But where precisely do you draw the line of 
'too far', little Tendo girl?  What did I do which is so wrong?  I don't 
quite follow you."

     "Too far is wherever I arbitrarily decide it should be," Nabiki said, 
using another big 'A' word.  "And you'd better hope you keep me happy, 
because I can be VERY arbitrary when I feel like it."

     "You DO realize I am wealthy, yes?" Vega asked.  "If this is simply an 
issue of the medical bills, I would be more than happy to balance things out-
-"

     Nabiki shook her head, before returning her glare in place.  "Nevermind.  
I don't think you're getting the picture.  But thanks for the suggestion, I 
will deduct the hospital costs from your next paycheck.  Now if you'll excuse 
me, I need to go find an old acquaintance."

     Vega watched her depart, quite puzzled.  But he shrugged it off, 
unconcerned.  Perhaps Nabiki was rich, but he was richer, more beautiful, and 
superior in every way.  If she couldn't appreciate the value of beauty and 
art, what did it matter to him?

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

     A creature born of darkness, bathed in the blood of the lamb and walking 
the earth in forsaken flesh.  Immortal, invincible, unstoppable...

     Unable to obtain coffee.

     Tonight was not ranking very highly in Morrigan's list of memorable 
evenings.  She gave the vending machine a good swift kick, briefly considered 
tearing it apart, but ended up sighing pathetically and leaning against a 
wall as she pondered her miserable fate.

     Sakura had left, along with her annoying little friends.  True, Morrigan 
COULD track her down and punish her for that hot tub incident and the loss 
tonight... but whatever boiling rage powered her had since simmered down to a 
low flame when Karin ditched her.

     Such PROMISE in that human!  She had a truly devious mind, a mean streak 
you could cut glass with, and -- the best part -- a high society upbringing.  
Perfect potential, perfect fodder to shape into Morrigan's new apprentice!  
But no, 'business' and 'honor' had to come first above the good, clean 
pursuit of revenge.  How childish.  How wasteful.  It made her want to hit 
something.

     A passing This Old Dojo tech guy would have to do.  She snatched the 
headset wearing, clipboard toting, zitfaced teenager by the collar and held 
him three point seven inches off the floor.

     "You," she oozed.  "Why isn't this vending machine working?!"

     "Gah gah gah gah gah," he replied, struggling.  "I-I-I don't know!  I 
don't repair the vending machines!"

     "Who does?  I wish to... speak... with them.  If I am going to have a 
horrid evening, I will at least do it with coffee.  Or with the blood of an 
insignificant little boy such yourself.  Do you understand?"

     The tech guy showed his understanding by fainting from shock.  In 
disgust, Morrigan hurled him down the hall, and leaned against the machine to 
wait for another vict-- helpful passerby.

     The next passerby, however, was not wearing the black t-shirts of the 
technical crew.  He wore simple workout clothes, stood a full head taller 
than herself, and had rippling muscles on rippling muscles.

     The succubi in Morrigan (which technically comprised 100% of her) 
decided to that it didn't need a can of coffee when it had a tall drink of 
water available.

     "Hey there, handsome," Morrigan slinked, stepping up to intercept him.  
"My name is Morrigan, but likely you know that already.  I am a famous 
television star, after all.  So, new in town?"

     "Yes and no," the man replied, distracted by some thought.  "I do 
recognize you, yes.  Tell me, where can I find Nabiki Tendo?"

     "No idea, I'm afraid," Morrigan replied, shrugging.  "She's wandering 
all over the building tonight firing people, apparently.  Hmph.  Did you know 
she fired my dear sister?  And I used to think Nabiki had a mature, sensible 
outlook.  Seems she's an arrogant little child like the rest of them..."

     "Children can be a bother," the man agreed... failing to make eye 
contact with the demoness as his gaze strayed to chest level.  "Ah... I would 
love to stay and chat, miss, but I'm afraid I have official business to 
conduct.  Thank you for your assistance."

     He bowed to her in proper Japanese form, and walked off.

     Curious, Morrigan thought, as she watched him depart.  She thought she 
knew everybody who could have 'official business' with Nabiki Tendo.  
Figuring this was far more interesting than breaking a vending machine in 
half or searching for the schoolgirl, she tailed him in shadow.  Perhaps the 
evening would not be a total waste...

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

     "I still say it's Team Rocket," Hiroshi continued.  "Former tag team 
champions and top class competitors.  They'd be a shoe-in."

     "Jack wouldn't have Team Rocket be 'surprise challengers', Hiroshi.  
Nabiki would want them listed so Team Rocket fans order the pay per view.  I 
was thinking Zell and Selphie, given the way their stock has been rapidly 
rising since showing... but they're not surprising enough.  Way I see it, it 
has to be some crazy team Jack would approve of.  I'm going to take the 
longshot bet and say it's the surprise return of Sofia and Johnny Cage."

     "Old School Sex and Violence!  A rash bet, but I'll take you on it," 
Hiroshi agreed... before noticing the red 'ON AIR' light.  "Ah.. not that I 
would gamble, for gambling is illegal and Ultra would never condone betting 
pools of that sort!  Welcome back, folks!  How about that last Nuku-Nuku 
video package from Florida?"

     "She'll be returning next week, folks, so Nuku fans should definitely 
tune in," Daisuke informed.  "But right now, it's time for the Lambda 
Championship Match.  We don't know who the challengers are, but Haohmaru had 
this to say backstage moments ago."

     The UltraTron cut to a video clip, helpfully labeled 'MOMENTS AGO'.  
Sana-chan stood on her tippy-toes to hold up a microphone in front of the 
wild-haired ronin.

     "Haohmaru-kuuuuun!" she wailed.  "You don't know who you're gonna fight!  
Are you scared?  Are you nervous?  Have you peed your pants?  Inquiring minds 
wanna KNOW KNOW KNOW!"

     "I AM NOT THE LEAST BIT CONCERNED, MY YOUNG HYPERACTIVE FRIEND," 
Hoahmaru declared, the building shaking with the mighty amplification of his 
mighty voice as his pupil Tatewaki nodded quietly in the background.  "FOR 
LOW IS THE SWAY AND LONG IS THE ROAD THAT REAPS LIKE A HARVEST UNDER THE FULL 
MOON OF JAPAN!  WE HAVE BEEN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS FOR MANY MOONS NOW, AND MANY 
MOONS TO COME AS WE WALK THE PATH OF THE SWORD WHICH IS NOT A ROAD TO A DOOR 
BUT AN INFINITELY WINDING JOURNEY OF NEVERENDING ENLIGHTENMENT!"

     Sana scratched her head, trying to understand that.  "So... um... not 
worried, right?"

     "We are not worried," Kunou supplied, before his master could suck up 
more breathable air and broadcast airtime.

     "...and they're here in the ring now, waiting for those mystery 
challengers," Daisuke informed, once Mr. VCR caught up with Mr. Reality.  
"They've got their swords, and all that's left now is to reveal the 
identities of the--"

     Loud (but familiar) rock music blasted out of each speaker, as the 
challenger made his... or her, that is, identity known.

     Posing beneath the UltraTron's giant M A R L O logo, 'Marla' held up a 
steel chair and a microphone.  And for a change, the crowd went nuts in the 
positive sort of way.

     "That does it.  He's officially a fan favorite," Daisuke confirmed.  
"And given that the only other option is to cheer on Kunou... take it from 
someone who had to deal with that guy's stupidity every day at Furinkan... 
this is the best option."

     Kunou immediately walked up to the ropes inside the ring, holding out a 
bouquet of roses.  "Furniture-tossing girl, my love!" he declared, stars in 
his eyes.  "Whyfor do you enter to the accursed Semaj's theme music?"

     Said furniture-tossing girl held up her chair, raising the mike as well.  
"Kunou... talk to the chair, 'cause the face don't wanna hear it!" she 
taunted.  "Everybody's making a big deal out of this 'mystery challenger' 
gimmick... well, crappy drama like that tends to be a letdown.  I know the 
fans have been warming up to the Furnityre Savior lately, so hopefully I 
won't be a letdown to them... at least, not in the same way your big phallic 
stick waving, baggy bellbottom pants wearing, iambic pentameter babbling, 
Grammy-winning Jethro Tull 'Thick as a Brick' self is a COMPLETE and TOTAL 
letdown not only to the fans, but to the sum genetic total of humanity!!"

     ("Talk about your run-on sentences from hell," Daisuke remarked.)

     "INSOLENT WHELP!" Haohmaru shouted.  "COME GET THE SPANKING YOU DESERVE, 
LITTLE GIRL!  NO OFFENSE, MY LOVE-STRUCK PUPIL."

     Marla laughed.  "Ohhh, no no no.  Momma didn't raise an idiot, I am NOT 
coming down there to get doubleteamed by you two clods.  As much as I want to 
combine this chair with Kunou to demonstrate the flexibility of the human 
anus, I'm not coming down there without... my partner.  A man who I can 
honestly say is my equal!  A man who matches me word for word!  A man with 
the same talented, charismatic skill at cutting down the enemy as I have!"

     Hiroshi's jaw sagged.  "Good god, he can't be talking about Ranma, can 
he?  Their long running rivalry has been cooled a bit since Marlo's curse 
developed..."

     "If it is Ranma, then Sana stands to make a heap of money in the betting 
pool. ...not that anybody at Ultra condones betting, of course..."

     With a dramatic gesture, Marla pointed her black steel chair to the 
entrance... and to her partner.

     The collective audience did a 'Huh?' loud enough to be heard in 
Zimbabwae.

     "......Gary Oak?" Hiroshi asked.  "Did anybody have him in the pool?"

     With a brief grin, Gary snatched the mike from Marlo, and stepped 
forward to address his soon to be opponents.  "Surprise, surprise!  You know 
what?  I actually have no issue with either of you.  Although I suspect 
beating Kunou's Darwin Award winning butt down would improve the species as a 
whole, and Haohmaru's annihilation would make Vidal Sassoon a happy man... 
tonight, I'm mostly here to support the one guy as good at shredding people 
on the mike as me.  And that's Marlo.  Unlike the Reigning King of Bakas, Ash 
Ketchum, Marlo has come around and seen the light!  So Haohmaru, if you 
didn't leave your balls back in feudal Japan, and Kunou, if there's still a 
non-cancerous brain cell in your head, let's see how you deal with a combined 
FURNITURE AND POKEMON STYLE!"

     ("Barcalounger, I choose you?" Daisuke suggested.)

     While the crowd went wild (yaay), Marla cupped a palm over the mike.  
"Hey, what about the Reigning King of Bakas, anyway?  He's gonna run in on 
the match, isn't he?"

     "The Oak Man has it under control," Gary said smoothly.  "Ash Ketchum is 
not going to be a problem tonight..."

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

     Far from the Ultradome, in the Observation Deck of Tokyo Tower, Ash 
Ketchum glared across the cityscape of Tokyo.

     He glanced at his watch.  9:10PM.

     He glanced at the handwritten note.  9:00PM.

     "GARY!" he called out, as if he could cover the gap in sheer (yet not 
quite Legendary) volume.  "Where are you?!  You're late to the duel you set 
up yourself!  HA!  I always knew you were a moron!  Boy, am I gonna make fun 
of you when you show up..."

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

][ ULTRARAGE ETA MATCH #3 : LAMBDA CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
][ HAOHMARU/KUNOU vs. MARLO/GARY
][ FIGHT!

     "TRULY THIS IS SOME VARIANT OF A HUMOROUS INCIDENT?" Haohmaru asked as 
the two boys made their way down to the ring.  "SURELY THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU 
AND HIS ALMOST BUT NOT QUITE LEGENDARY ALTHOUGH HE'S GETTING THERE WITH GREAT 
SPEED PUPIL TATEWAKI KUNOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE FIGHTING A FURNITURE TOSSING 
LASS AND A COCKFIGHTING EXPERT."

     (Marla made some comment about Kunou's prowess at cockfighting which was 
muted out by the guys in the sound booth.)

     "I must protest this match," Kunou added, tapping the referee for the 
bout on the shoulder.  "This is most unfair.  They are not warriors such as 
ourselves; my fair maiden is more suited for Hardcore bouts, and whatever his 
name is lets his animals fight for him.  Surely such strange weapons are a 
violation of standard Lambda tag team rules?"

     As luck would have it, the one sensible (and durable) referee in the 
entire federation happened to be working that match.  He glanced over at the 
challengers, then back to Kunou.  "You two have swords," he noted.  "They're 
only using the weapons and natural talents they always use, just like you.  
As long as they don't use outside-supplied weapons or interference, I'll 
allow it."

     "Jan!  Ken!  Pon!  Damn," Marla cursed, losing the quick decision maker.  
"Okay, you start.  But leave a little of the Kendo Klown for me to pick 
apart, got it?"

     "Deal," Gary agreed, stepping between the ropes as Tatewaki Kunou 
assumed a classic kendo stance.  Gary reached for the pokeballs at his 
belt...

     ...just as Haohmaru whipped out a small megaphone from behind his back.  
"**ENLIGHTENMENT!!!**" he bellowed into the device, overloading it the moment 
the single word had passed -- but the damage was done.  Seismic plates 
shifted, the UltraDome shook, and Gary's pokeballs rattled out of his belt 
holders.  The red and white orbs promptly rolled right out of the ring.

     "An opening!" Kunou shouted in traditional form, advancing.  Gary 
happened to be bending over to scrabble for his lost marbles as Kunou struck, 
and avoided the first blow -- a follow-up blow, however, caused him to 
stumble away from the safety of his team's corner.

     The Only Sensible Referee in Ultra glared at Haohmaru, who had hidden 
the megaphone and was whistling innocently.

     Marla's reaction was also muted by the sound truck.  She hopped off the 
apron, and quickly sought after the runaway pokeballs, trying to ignore the 
sounds of Gary frantically trying to avoid a thrashing.  (The crowd booed the 
samurai mercilessly, as they were wont to do.)

     Unfortunately, a few of the Pokeballs had already disappeared under the 
ring apron... seconds counted, and Marla wasn't about to play Easter Egg Hunt 
during the middle of a match.  She managed to snatch one stray one... and the 
other she caught on instinct.  When Daisuke tossed it to her.

     "Here, it was under my chair," Daisuke explained.  "Now go stomp 
Sempai's ass into the mat."

     "...jeez, Dai, you're practically turning into a Marlo fan lately," 
Hiroshi commented.

     "Uh... I just don't like seeing that twit Kunou beating up kids, that's 
all," Daisuke covered, fidgeting uncomfortably.

     Marla wound up her best fastball.  "GARY!  HEADS UP!" she shouted... and 
let loose with a pitch that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that she should 
not give up her day job.

     Ducking one bokken swipe and jumping over the next, Gary was thankfully 
airborne enough to snag the flying Pokeball.  He quickly tossed it to the 
ground, not bothering with the whole I-Choose-You crap, then rolled to 
safety...

     From the white glow of emerging Pokemon, a funny lookin' little thing 
that would encourage lawsuits from a certain spoonbending psychic quack 
appeared.  "Alakazam," he greeted Kunou.

     "And Gary gets a pretty good Pokemon out of the random grab!" Hiroshi 
announced.  "Psychic types are strong against just about anything other than 
ghost Pokemon.  How will Kunou handle this?  HOW WILL KUNOU HANDLE THIS?  
Poorly, I hope."

     "Impartial, Hiroshi," Daisuke reminded.  "Impart... ah, screw it.  Never 
liked how he treated us underclassmen like serfs.  Rip him a new one, guys!"

     Kunou corrected his stance.  "If I must fight beastly animals to rescue 
my true love from the clutches of her own reluctance... so be it!" he 
declared.  "Have at you, filthy creature!"

     The bokken bounced harmlessly off Alakazam's Light Screen.  Well, 
harmlessly in the sense that the poor man's AT-Field kept the Pokemon safe.  
Not quite so harmlessly in that the attack reflecting capabilities of the 
shield meant the wooden sword came back at Kunou at 100% of its departure 
speed.

     Fans around the Ultradome winced in sympathy as Kunou staggered away, 
his eyeballs rolling around independently in their sockets.

     "That could be the winning blow, right there!" Hiroshi declared.  "Could 
this be the end for the Samurai's tag team championship run?!  Could it be 
the end?!  Could-- oh, Haohmaru tagged in.  My mistake."

     "One of these days you'll learn to stop jinxing fate," Daisuke mumbled.

     Haohmaru grinned maniacally, as he helpfully nudged his pupil out of the 
ring (and over the rope and onto the mats outside of the ring, but that 
wasn't important).  "SO, YOUNG LAD, YOUR PET HAS SOMEHOW FOUND A RARE CHINK 
IN MY PUPIL'S ARMOR!  HOWEVER, IT WILL FALL BEFORE THE LEGENDARY SWORD OF 
HAOHMARU!"

     The young lad in question leaned heavily on the ropes, getting his 
breath back after his brief fight with the crazed upperclassman.  He grinned 
evilly.  "Legendary, huh?  Wanna put your money where your mouth is?  I bet 
you can't take my Alakazam's strongest attack."

     "SURELY A SIMPLE MAGICAL MONSTER IS A MERE SPEEDBUMP ON THE PATH OF THE 
SWORD," Haohmaru boasted.  He planted his sword point first in the mat, and 
folded his arms in defiance.  "DO YOUR WORST!"

     "Nothing I like more than a willing volunteer!" Gary shouted, pointing 
dramatically to the big 'ol wacky haired target.  "Alakazam... Psychic 
Attack, NOW!"

     Funny special glow-type effects enveloped both the Pokemon and the 
samurai, as Alakazam made arcane gestures...

     "Oh no!  The dreaded Psychic attack!" Hiroshi narrated.  "The attack 
even Voiduck is only capable of during an extreme migraine!  How will 
Haohmaru's mind stand up to the ultimate mental assault?!  This could be the 
end!  THIS COULD--"

     Haohmaru chuckled lightly, staring down the glowing Pokemon.  "THAT IS 
YOUR WORST?  SURELY YOU ARE NOT AS LEGENDARY AS THE GREAT HAOHMARU!"

     Marla (who had naturally gotten back to her corner by this point) 
smacked her forehead.  She reached out with the second Pokeball, offering it.  
"Gary, grab the other ball!  His head's too thick for Alakazam's tricks; you 
can't psychically annihilate someone who's mind has the density of lead!"

     "You jinxed it again," Daisuke spoke dryly.  "Remind me to bet against 
you in the next pool. ...not that we of Ultra condone gambling."

     Gary wiped the sweatdrop from his head.  "...damn," he said in 
disappointment.  Apparently, Psychic type Pokemon were weak against Idiot 
type swordsmen.  Recalling Alakazam without any of that Alakazam,-Return! 
nonsense, he dove towards Marla, grabbing the last Pokeball they had left...

     "Tag made!" the referee announced, proving that being sensible can 
sometimes be a drawback.  "Marla, you're in!"

     Marla groaned.  "Guess it had to happen sooner or later..." she swung in 
between the ropes, producing a steel chair in her hand.  Banging it once 
against the mat to make a manly WHANG sound, she raised it, ready for the 
attack... just as she noticed Kunou groggily pulling himself back onto the 
ring apron.  And got an evil thought.

     "Operation Humiliation?" Gary whispered to his partner, having the exact 
same thought.

     "Bingo," Marla mumbled back.  She steeled herself to the mild 
embarrassment, and... strutted.  It wasn't much of a strut, but to the groggy 
head of Tatewaki Kunou it was comparable to Marilyn Monroe sashaying his way.  
"Neeee, Kunou-sempai... don't you want to tag in and fight l'il ole me?" she 
said in her best Sexy Voice.

     "...oh god, now I'm gonna have nightmares," Daisuke groaned.

     Kunou snapped out of his haze, and entered a totally different one.  
"Ah!  Furniture-tossing girl!  You have come to your senses!" he called 
out... and stretched to tap Haohmaru on the shoulder.  The referee declared 
the tag, as Kunou anxiously entered the ring.

     "...PUPIL, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?" Haohmaru asked.  "YOU ARE IN NO 
SHAPE TO CONTINUE!"

     "I will be triumphant, sensei!" Kunou declared, as he faced off against 
Marla.  "Furniture-tossing girl... it all comes down to this.  We will fight 
in honorable combat, and if you defeat me, I shall allow you to date with 
me!"

     "Ooooh, that sounds like FUN!" Marla squealed, balling up her hands 
under her chin.  "But neeee, sempai, can you do me a teeensy weensy favor 
before we start tearing each other apart?"

     Haohmaru cleared his throat.  "PUPIL..." he growled warningly.

     "Anything, my love!" Kunou yelled out.  "Name your request, o lovely 
blonde-haired one!"

     Marla snapped her fingers, and without looking over her shoulder, called 
to her partner.  "Gary?  Do the honors."

     Proving that countless thrown Pokeballs does better for your fastball 
than lobbing around washer/dryer combos, Gary was considerably more on the 
mark with his water balloon than Marlo was with the Pokeballs.

     Marla didn't flinch when the balloon struck, turning Marla the sexy l'il 
thang into Marlo the grinning evil bastard.

     "Still want that date?" Marlo Semaj asked.

     Kunou's jaw did a great impression of the stock market during the Great 
Crash.  Even Haohmaru was a bit stunned, proving he was truly his pupil's 
equal in the wrong respects.

     "...you're... just like... SAOTOME!!?" Kunou shouted.

     "Gary!  Now!" Marlo shouted, as he swung his steel chair at the dazed 
Kunou's head...

     And halted the swing one inch away from Kunou's nose.

     "NIDOKING!" Gary shouted, hurling the second Pokeball into the ring.  
"Takedown attack on the steel chair!"

     One huge ugly lookin' Pokemon bounced from the ball into the air.  
"NIDOO!!" it shouted... before impacting into the outstretched chair hard 
enough to make normal chairshots look like playful love taps.

     Newtonian physics still applying despite the crazy rule-breaking 
atmosphere of Ultra, that impact applied through the chair and right to 
Kunou's face.  He soared out of the ring, over the security barrier, and into 
the guy selling cotton candy to audience members.  This did nothing to soothe 
his unconscious ego.

     Hoahmaru, naturally, was livid.  He raised his sword, intent on cleaving 
Marlo in two, blunt edge or not.  "YOU... YOU IMMATURE, INSOLENT, REPULSIVE 
LITTLE--!"

     "Ten!" the referee finished counting.  "Kunou was the legal man in the 
ring, not you, Haohmaru.  Gary Oak and Marlo Semaj win!"

     The crowd popped like a zit, only not as unpleasantly.  As Marlo posed 
with the extraordinarily dented steel chair, Gary patted Nidoking on the back 
while offering it high praise, and the referee had to physically restrain 
Haohmaru from wringing some necks.

     "What an upset!" Hiroshi shouted, rising to his feet.  "After months of 
the Samurai's domination of the tag team division, the thrones have been 
unseated!  Marlo has gotten his revenge on Kunou for all that weird sexual 
harassment!  And BY GOD, Marlo and Gary have taken the tag titles!  What a 
match!  What a barnburner!  Louise, call the chickens back in, there's a 
storm brewing!  Millennium hand and shrimp!!"

     "Sit down and take some deep breaths, Hiro, you're losing coherency," 
Daisuke warned.  "Looks like Hoahmaru's reviving his student, and they're 
getting out of here.  I doubt they're going to take this one lying down.  
Even if Kunou just did..."

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

     Rather than lying down, Kunou was standing up.  And fuming.  And 
marching around backstage in a circle practicing sword strokes that he would 
use to cut Marlo in half the moment the boy returned from his victory dance.

     "How dare that... that PERVERT lead me on like that?!" Kunou was 
shouting.  "Just like the freak Saotome, he deliberately wooed me with his 
sick charms all these weeks, just to make a fool of me tonight!  You 
understand, right, sensei?  I was tricked!  Tricked in a most undignified 
manner!"

     "INDEED, MY PUPIL," the more level headed Haohmaru agreed.  "BUT FEAR 
NOT!  FOR WE WILL NOT REST, WE WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS TWISTED AND UNWHOLESOME 
OUTCOME!  WE WILL ONCE AGAIN BECOME THE LAMBDA CHAMPIONS--"

     "Hey, Kunou, you're fired," Nabiki mentioned as she was wandering from 
hallway to hallway and happened to stumble across them.  "It's nothing 
personal, Kunou-baby, but nobody likes you and you're not making me money.  
Clean out your locker and go home.  Caio."

     "..." Kunou replied, as Nabiki ambled off to her next firing.

     "AN... UNFORSEEN DEVELOPMENT," Haohmaru admitted.  He patted his student 
on the shoulder.  "BUT THE WAY OF THE SWORD IS FRAUGHT WITH PERIL, YOUNG 
TATEWAKI.  GRIEVE NOT.  I WILL TAKE UP THE BLADE AND OBTAIN YOUR REVENGE 
AGAINST THE IMPUDENT SEMAJ!"

     "I... I will protest this!" Kunou declared.  "This is unjust 
termination!  I will--"

     "ACTUALLY, MY PUPIL, I HAD DECIDED EARLIER THIS EVE THAT THE TIME HAS 
COME FOR US TO PART WAYS.  I HAVE NOTHING FURTHER TO TEACH YOU; YOU HAVE BEEN 
SET INTO THE SWORD WORLD AND YOUR FUTURE IS OPEN TO YOU.  GO TOWARDS YOUR 
BRIGHT FUTURE, TATEWAKI KUNOU!  GO FORTH WITH MY BLESSING!  YOU ARE READY, 
AND YOUR LEGENDARY JOURNEY BEGINS *NOW*!"

     "...really?  I'm ready?" Kunou asked.

     "I DECLARE YOU LEGENDARY."

     "Th.. thank you, sensei!" Kunou spoke, bowing respectfully.  "That's the 
first time you've ever called me legendary without adding 'almost but not 
quite as legendary as me'!  This means so much to me!  I will take my leave 
at once to begin my training for my glorious future!"

     "YES YES, BEGONE," Haohmaru said, waving him off.

     Once Kunou was out of eyesight, Haohmaru chuckled to himself.

     "FINALLY, I HAVE DITCHED THAT CLUMSY BRAT!  HA HA!"

     *TOCK* went the wooden bokken against his head.

     "I heard that, 'SENSEI'!" Kunou shouted from around the corner, waving a 
fist.  With an angry stomp, he departed for good.

     Haohmaru rubbed the bump that was starting to grow beneath his hair.  
"...CURSE MY LEGENDARY VOLUME," he muttered in a ultrocious way.

     "You have my sympathies," a stranger spoke.

     Ignoring the dull, throbbing pain, Haohmaru turned to face this man who 
would dare eavesdrop... and immediately recognized him as one of formidable 
strength.  "YOUR SYMPATHIES?" he asked, curiously.

     "Indeed.  I, too, have had to cope with brats upstaging me and 
disrespecting me," he added.

     "YOU SPEAK TRUTH, STRANGER.  BY WHAT NAME ARE YOU KNOWN?"

     "...some call me..." the stranger said, with dramatic pause... and a 
smile of pride.  "The Great Yaga."

     "A LEGENDARY NAME, INDEED!"

     "We will speak again.  But for now, there's the small matter of my 
contract I must handle.  Tell me... where is Nabiki Tendo?"

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

     The Ultradome thrummed with excitement, the crowd becoming more and more
impatient with each passing moment.  Hiroshi felt a broad grin spread across
his face - he *loved* moments like this.  He slowly reached out and picked up
his microphone, smiled as the seats nearest him grew a bit quieter in
anticipation, and took a deep breath...

     "Looks like the next fight's ready to start," Daisuke observed next to
him.

     The pale-haired announcer let out the breath in one annoyed burst.  "But
it's not just *any* fight," he amended, glaring at his partner.  "This is
nothing less than a Battle Royale, a match to end all matches!  The rivalry
that has built up and risen to the boiling point over the past season is 
about to come to a furious head, in a no-holds-barred devastating fight to 
the finish!  *This*, ladies and gentlemen, is the titanic  Three-Way Gamma
Championship Match!"

     As the crowd roared its approval, Daisuke just rolled his eyes.  "In
this match," he explained, "the last man - or woman - standing will walk away
with the Gamma belt.  Theoretically, this would make the match as much a test
of strategy as of fighting skill."

     "What do you mean, 'theoretically'?" Hiroshi protested.  "It's gonna be
great!  Ranma against Sagat!  Sagat against Akane!  Akane against Ranma! 
Ranma against-"

     "We get the point," Daisuke said dryly.  "Unfortunately, it's not going
to happen that way.  With all the bad blood between them - literally - Ranma
and Akane are bound to focus on Sagat first, then fight each other once he's
out of the way."

     "C'mon, Dai!  WORK with me!"

     "*No*, I'm not going to work with you!  It's flat-out obvious!  This'll
be more of a handicap match than a three-way, unless there's some bizarre act
of betrayal or something."

     Hiroshi gave his friend an odd look.  "Uh, Daisuke?  This *is* Ultra,
remember.  Stranger things have happened."

     The dark-haired announcer opened his mouth, hesitated, then closed it
again.  "I concede the point."

     "In that case, let's get straight to the match!"  On cue, a lean and
lanky figure stepped out of the wings and sauntered down the ramp without
preamble.  "First to the ring is a man who has proven himself to be one of 
the fiercest, most sadistic contenders Ultra has ever seen... from somewhere 
in the depths of Thailand, SAGAT!"

     A deafening chorus of boos, jeers, and derisive chants followed Sagat
down to the ring.  He ignored them all as he easily stepped over the top rope
and moved to his corner, lounging against the turnbuckle and watching the 
ramp patiently.

     When it seemed that there wasn't going to be anything more, Daisuke
shrugged and continued.  "And now, entering the ring together, the current 
co-holders of the Gamma title belt... Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo."

     They walked down the ramp, Akane looking rather more determined than her
fiancee.  Ranma, carrying the gold belt on his shoulder, glanced at her
occasionally.  "Y'know," he tried, "I really think that-"

     "Just drop it, Ranma!" she snapped.  "I can take care of myself,
understand?"

     "Okay, okay.  Just... be careful, huh?"

     There was no reply, and he sighed as they climbed into the ring, leaving
the belt at one corner.

     The two young martial artists moved into ready stances, though this only
served to make the difference in their skills more apparent.  A long moment
passed, the tension building in the air...

     Then the bell rang.

][ ULTRARAGE ETA MATCH #4 : GAMMA CHAMPIONSHIP THREE WAY DANCE
][ SAGAT vs. RANMA SAOTOME vs. AKANE TENDO
][ Special Guest Booker : Brian Stricklin
][ FIGHT!

     Sagat pushed away from the turnbuckle and moved forward, never losing
his confident grin.  "Well?" he asked.  "Shall we get this little display
started?"

     His opponents exchanged glances and nodded, then began to circle around
the kickboxer, trying to pin him between them.  Sagat shook his head at the
obvious ploy, but made no move to stop them.  Soon they stood on either side
of him, fists at the ready.

     Ranma watched the tall man warily, waiting for him to make the first
move.  *Gotta finish this one fast,* he thought to himself.  *The longer it
lasts, the more chances he'll have to-*

     His thought broke off as Sagat, in an obviously deliberate move, turned
his back to him and faced Akane, making beckoning motions with one hand. 
*Crap!  Don't fall for it, Akane, don't...*

     But Akane, already filled with rage, wasn't able to resist the
invitation.  With a shout of anger she leapt into the air, aiming a kick at
Sagat's head.  Even as Ranma ran forward, trying to intercept the kickboxer
before he could attack the youngest Tendo, Sagat had bent at the knees and
brought his fist back, clearly preparing for a ferocious uppercut...

     ...Then he suddenly spun around and launched a devastating roundhouse
kick, catching the unsuspecting Ranma directly in the jaw.  As the rest of 
the young martial artist's body was still moving forward, the impact sent him
spinning through the air horizontally.  He struck the mat heavily, then
fetched up against the ropes, quickly getting tangled up.

     An instant later, Akane's kick struck home, connecting with Sagat's
shoulder blade.  He ignored this, however, and took a moment to smirk at the
fallen form of Ranma.  "Too predictable," he said with a chuckle.

     "HOLY CRUD!"  Hiroshi was on his feet.  "Ranma just got sucker punched -
er, kicked - in a big way!"

     "He looks a bit dazed from that strike," Daisuke noted.  "If he doesn't
get up soon, this fight may be over quickly."

     "Hyaa!"  A sudden impact against Sagat's ribs made him lift his head,
and as another punch slammed into him, he slowly turned around with the air 
of someone who had just remembered an unimportant detail.  The Tendo girl 
took an involuntary step backwards under his slightly bemused glare, then 
pulled herself together and resumed her attack.  "This is for everything you 
did to me!"  She fired of a kick, then two more punches, each of which forced 
Sagat to take a step backwards, then hopped back herself before launching 
into a jump-kick, aimed at the center of the long scar on her opponent's 
chest.

     She never made it.  His hand snapped out and grabbed her ankle, then
held her upside-down over the mat.  With a contemptuous sneer, he threw her
against the nearest turnbuckle; she collided heavily with it, and even 
despite the padding slid to the ground moaning.

     Sagat stepped toward her, cracking his knuckles as she painfully stood
up.  "You still haven't learned anything, have you?  I've been doing this for
longer than you've been alive, little girl; without your boyfriend to back 
you up, you're way out of your league."

     She glowered at him wordlessly, trying to ignore the ringing in her
ears.  *Come on, Akane... you can do this!*  She hesitated, then rushed
forward again.  Sagat smirked and fired off a punched aimed at her head, but
at the last moment she dropped to the ground, sliding between his legs and
coming to a halt behind him.  Before he could turn, she struck out with a 
leg-sweep, her shin forcefully connecting with one of the kickboxer's ankles.

     Unfortunately, this wasn't quite enough to knock him down, but instead
caused him to stagger to the side.  He bounced off the ropes, then used the
momentum to spring toward his opponent, his cloth-wrapped hand dipping low. 
Akane, still in the process of standing after the sweep, turned to face Sagat
at just the wrong moment - the sound of his fist meeting her jaw would have
echoed across the arena if not for the 'ultrocious' noise of the crowd.

     The visible effects, however, were seen by all, and Akane was propelled
several feet in the air before crashing down at the kickboxer's feet.

     On the other side of the ring, Ranma finally managed to shake himself
out of his momentary daze.  This, unfortunately, happened just in time for 
him to see his fiancee, trying to stand up, receive a punishing kick to the
stomach that sent her rolling across the mat.

     "Akane!"  Ranma quickly stood up - or, at least, tried to.  His
encounter with the ropes had left his right arm hopelessly tangled, leaving a
knot of Gordian proportions.

     His teeth ground together as he watched Akane take another heavy blow. 
*She won't last much longer... I gotta think fast!*  He strained at the 
ropes, then cast about for options.  *I need a knife or something to get out 
of-*

     He stopped and nearly smacked himself.  *Of course!  I'm thinking about
it the wrong way around!*

     Meanwhile, Akane staggered to her feet again, trying not to show her
injuries.  Not that it mattered; Sagat clearly knew how much he'd hurt her; 
it showed in his gaze, and in the grin she was beginning to despise so much. 
She'd managed to land a few - a very few - hits of her own, but he was
completely unaffected by-

     Or was he?  His left arm was held a bit too close to his ribs, where she
remembered striking a particularly solid blow.  It looked like that was a
rather tender spot at the moment...

     She smiled to herself, then with a sudden shout charged forward.  Sagat
fired off a quick jab as she approached; Akane dodged this, feinted, then
lashed out with a kick toward the kickboxer's injured side.

     Which was no longer where she expected it to be.

     Moving with surprising agility and apparently having guessed her
intention, Sagat had spun himself out of the way just enough to avoid the
kick, and also lifted one leg into a blocking position.  Instead of damaging
her opponent further, Akane's foot rebounded against his rather solid knee.

     As she recovered from her failed attack, Sagat completed his movement,
ending just behind Akane.  She realized this too late, and he wrapped his arm
around her neck.  With a malicious grin he tightened his grip, lifting her in
the air as he did so.

     "And Sagat locks in a choke hold!" Hiroshi announced for the benefit of
the hard-of-seeing.  "Looks like it's lights out for Akane!"

     "I only hope he *stops* at knocking her out," his partner replied
tensely.

     Indeed, the lanky kickboxer seemed to be having too much fun to stop. 
His muscles flexed, and Akane desperately pulled at his arm, trying to get
some air.

     "Die, girl," Sagat suggested.  "D-"

     A sudden impact against the back of his head made him stumble, and as he
regained his balance he released Akane, allowing her to drop to the mat,
gasping for breath.  Sagat turned, then smirked.  "So.  Decided to join us?"

     Ranma - or, rather, Ranma-chan - returned his sneer confidently.  "Ya
don't think I'd miss out on this, do ya?"  She tossed the small squeeze-
bottle she'd used aside; the more slender arms of her female side had allowed 
her to escape the ropes.  "Let's go."

     "He's taking a big risk here," Daisuke noted from the announcer's table. 
"Ranma's female form, while fast, doesn't have enough strength or reach to
compete with Sagat."

     A sweatdrop rolled down the young martial artist's temple as she came to
the same conclusion.  "Uh..."  Sagat just crossed his arms smugly.

     "But I'm sure he's also got some hot water on him for just such an
occasion!" Hiroshi responded enthusiastically.

     "Oh, yeah!"  Ranma-chan reached into her shirt, producing an insulated
flask...

     ...which Sagat promptly kicked out of her hands.  The flask went sailing
into the crowd and quickly vanished among the throng.  A slightly larger
sweatdrop joined the first.

     The kickboxer chuckled.  "Anything else?"

     "Uh... no, that's about it."

     "Good."  He lashed out in a punch that Ranma-chan barely dodged at the
last second.

     The next few moments were busy ones.  Each fighter was quite skilled,
though one was at a distinct disadvantage, and the punches and kicks became
almost too fast to see.  A flurry of blows were traded as the two warriors
retreated and advanced across the ring, neither gaining ground for very long.

     As Sagat fired off a Tiger Shot, Ranma-chan slipped below the crescent-
shaped energy and landed a lightning-fast kick to the kickboxer's gut, then
quickly jumped back as her opponent countered with a rising knee.  She 
landed, crouched, then leapt toward Sagat, delivering a hail of Amaguriken 
strikes to his face.  Another uppercut forced her to back off once more; once 
she regained her footing, she noticed that Sagat had made no move to follow.  
She watched him warily.

     A thin trickle of blood ran down from Sagat's mouth; he wiped it with
the back of his hand, and glanced down as the red fluid stained his hand
wraps.  "Not bad," he admitted.  "They don't pack half the punch of the
sumo's, though."

     Ranma-chan glared at him.  Unfortunately, he was right - her power had
always been seriously diminished in this form.  And her two other main 
special attacks didn't seem likely to work, either - Sagat was too canny and 
self-composed to be taken in by the Hiryuu Shoten Ha, and all things 
considered she wasn't feeling nearly confident enough for the Mouko Takabisha 
to do much good.

     And to make matters worse, judging by his own confidence Sagat knew all
this as well.  He'd been struck by several solid blows, but they hardly 
seemed to be slowing him down.

     Ranma-chan raised her fists again, trying to ignore her own aches and
fatigue.  For her part, she'd avoided most of the kickboxer's attacks, but
'most' isn't the same as 'all', and Sagat's fists were like hammers.

     Suddenly the crowd cheered, and Ranma-chan smiled as she sensed someone
moving in next to her.  "I shoulda known you were too hard-headed to stay 
down long."

     Akane, having finally recovered from Sagat's attempt to strangle her,
managed a weak grin.  "Baka.  Let's just get this over with."

     "Suits me."

     Moving in a unison that made their fathers (watching from home) proud,
the heirs to the Anything Goes school of martial arts leapt toward their foe,
striking home with a double-kick to the chest.  The kickboxer had been wary,
but was ultimately unprepared for their speed and sudden attack; the impact
sent him flying backwards, colliding painfully with the turnbuckle.

     Hiroshi pumped his fist in excitement.  "WHAT A TURNAROUND!  Despite
their own injuries, Ranma and Akane are holding their own against the
challenger, defending their belt for all they're worth!"

     "I said it'd happen," Daisuke reminded anyone who bothered to listen. 
"I said it, didn't I?"

     "Whatever!  Let's just-"

     Suddenly his partner dived to the side.  "Watch it!"

     "Yes, let's watch the YOW!"  Akane, propelled through the air once more
by Sagat's fists, landed heavily on the table - and for once it was not the
*Spanish* announcer's table that got demolished.  Not at this point, anyway.

     Wincing painfully, Akane pulled herself out of the wreckage, and with a
quick "Gomen!" jumped back into the ring.

     Hiroshi and Daisuke stared at their wrecked table.  "You know what this
means, Dai?"

     "Yep."

     They exchanged high-fives.  "BONUS HAZARD PAY!"

     Back in the ring, the melee continued unabated, as the two girls
attacked their opponent relentlessly.  Sagat was forced back under the
combined assault, and had to fight defensively rather than leave himself 
open. His expression never wavered, however, and he still maintained that air 
of confidence he'd had from the beginning.  It was as if he was waiting for
something...

     He found it soon afterwards.  Ranma-chan and Akane had him pinned
between them as they'd originally intended, hitting him from either side. 
Sagat was having trouble protecting himself in this position, and despite his
impressive endurance the continuous attacks were starting to affect him.

     Then, while Akane delivered several painful blows to his back, Sagat
looked up to see Ranma-chan leap toward him, aiming a kick at his face. 
Moving swiftly, he stepped forward and to the side, dodging around the
surprised young woman, then spun and gave her a big push in the small of her
back.

     Though Ranma-chan had enough presence of mind to retract her foot,
inertia can't be argued with, and she soon collided with an equally startled
Akane.  Both girls rolled across the mat, finally tumbling to a stop near the
edge.

     While Sagat stood to the side, chuckling at their predicament (and,
incidentally, getting his breath back), his opponents painfully untangled
themselves from each other and tried to recover from their collision.

     Ranma-chan was the first to regain her senses, and rubbed her aching
shoulder.  *Man... what does it take to bring this guy down?  None of my
regular attacks are doing much good, and Akane is...*

     There was a pause, then she smacked her fist into her palm.  "That's it! 
Akane!"

     "Ohhhh..." The dark-haired girl sat up, wobbling slightly.  "My head..."

     "C'mon, Akane - snap out of it!"  Ranma-chan took her fiancee by the
shoulders.  "I know how to beat him, but I'm gonna need *your* help to do 
it!"

     Hearing this sort of thing was unusual enough to snap Akane out of her
momentary fog.  "R-really?"

     She nodded.  "I can't do it without you."

     Akane's expression softened.  "Ranma..."  Then natural suspicion took
over.  "If this is some kind of joke-"

     "Listen to me."  Ranma-chan glanced at Sagat, still watching them from
nearby.  "How mad are you at Sagat?"

     "Huh?  Ranma, you know I-"

     "How mad?" she insisted.  "Steaming mad, maybe?  *Boiling* mad?"

     Akane stared at her fiancee for a moment... then understanding dawned,
and she grinned broadly.  "You *bet* I am!"

     "Think you're up to it?"

     She hesitated, but only for a brief moment.  "I'd better be, hadn't I?"

     "Let's *do* it, then!"

     Sagat watched the two girls suspiciously as they stood up and faced him,
fists raised purposefully.  They were obviously planning something, but what?

     ("I bet he's gonna warm up some water off her forehead!" Hiroshi told
his partner, holding the microphone away from his mouth.

     Daisuke sweatdropped.  "Somehow I doubt that.")

     The fighters watched each other warily, standing in a tense tableau in
the ring... then Ranma-chan sprinted forward.  "GO!"

     Sagat immediately rose his arms into a blocking position, but instead of
attacking, Ranma-chan slipped behind him, standing ready.  He turned to watch
her, but as he did so Akane charged in, launching a furious punch at his
unprotected ribs.  He dodged away from her, moving toward Ranma-chan, who
simply stepped away herself.

     They continued in that way for a while, Sagat being forced back by
Akane's attack along a path apparently designated by Ranma-chan, before he
realized what was happening.  *This must be the famous Heaven-Blast of the
Dragon,* he decided.  *How foolish... as if I'd be careless enough to build 
up the heat it requires.*

     Having realized this, Sagat was free to turn most of his attention to
Akane, though not quite *all* of it - he still kept tabs on Ranma-chan, in
case she were to attack him in his moment of distraction.  Of course, it was
still easier to defend against just one girl rather than two, though Akane
seemed to be drawing on some inner reserve of anger.  Her attacks were
relentless, and were filled with utter hatred for her target; Sagat still had
to retreat in the face of her assault, though he suspected she couldn't keep
it up for long.

     As Sagat had predicted, Ranma-chan led him in a gradual spiral path
toward the middle of the ring.  When they were a few steps away from the
center, the kickboxer decided that enough was enough.  "I think your plan has
failed, boy!" he shouted, dodging one of Akane's lethal punches.  "I don't
feel the least bit warm!"

     Ranma-chan smirked as she made the last step and lowered her fist. 
"There's more than two battle auras in the ring, pal!  HIRYUU..."

     Sagat blinked, and turned to look at Akane... who was still attacking
with red-hot fury.

     "...SHOTEN..."

     "NO!"  Sagat whirled, trying to stop Ranma-chan from finishing the
attack, and thus failed to notice Akane bend her legs slightly in 
preparation.

     "...HAAAA!"

     The ring was suddenly engulfed in a tornado.  The pressure from the wind
was enough to throw programs and parking vouchers hither and yon; those
incautious enough to be holding up signs either had to let them go or be
lifted into the air with them.

     The Hiryuu Shoten Ha worked due to a clash of temperatures.  The calm 
and controlled battle aura of Ranma-chan, combined in a spiral with Akane's
blazing fury, formed an immense cyclone that swept the heated elements 
upwards while leaving the 'colder' elements safely on the ground.  Thus 
Sagat, with his own battle spirit under a tight rein, would normally be in 
little danger from the attack.

     However, even as the wind sprang up around them, Akane leapt at his
unprotected back, slipping her arms under his and grabbing his shoulders
securely.  Before he could took to see what she was doing, the cyclone took
hold of her, lifting both Akane and her unwilling guest high into the air.

     "That's the way, Akane!" Ranma-chan shouted, barely audible over the
screaming wind.  "Finish him off!"

     The first time Akane had been in one of these, it had nearly killed her. 
She was stronger now, and possibly going into the tornado willingly was of
some help, but it was still an unpleasant and painful experience.  For Sagat,
who was unprepared for the ferocity of the attack, it was much worse.

     As the winds buffeted them back and forth, Sagat strained against
Akane's grip, but couldn't quite manage to break her hold.  "Let go of me, 
you little bitch!"

     She smiled, despite the pounding gale-force winds.  She'd been hoping
he'd say something like that.  "My pleasure!"  She brought her legs up and
gripped his sides with her knees, then released his arms and clasped her 
fists together, raising them above her head.  "You've *lost*, Sagat!"

     He struggled, trying to remove her, but his arms moved too slowly
through the fierce wind...

     It would have been a perfect shot.  Two seconds later, Akane would have
delivered an overhead smash, driving the lanky kickboxer down the center of
the cyclone, where he would have met Ranma-chan's still-upraised fist.  It
would have been perfect... if not for the fact that Akane, in a moment of
sudden realization that she was in the middle of one of Ranma's strongest
attacks, lost her grip.

     Before either fighter could react they were separated, the howling wind
carrying them around and around.  Whatever advantage Akane had had was gone
now, and the tornado pummeled her as much as it did Sagat.

     A few moments later, as the wind began to die down, Sagat was ejected
from the cone a few hundred feet over the ring.  After regaining his 
bearings, he reached out one long arm and grabbed a rafter as he sailed by; 
this allowed him to swing up and around the rafter, then fall down to the 
ring in a more controlled fashion.

     Ranma-chan, who was staring up into the lights trying to see what was
happening, suddenly jumped back as the kickboxer landed nearby.  The mat 
shook with the impact and he stumbled, but soon he stood before her, battered 
and bruised but still standing.

     She took an involuntary step backwards, surprised to see him still on
his feet, then narrowed her eyes.  Being in the middle of the blast must have
weakened him; she could probably take him now, though it'd be a near thing. 
She prepared to attack...

     Then Sagat lifted a fist, and slowly uncurled the index finger, pointing
it upwards.  "Aren't you forgetting someone?"

     A scream from above made Ranma-chan look up, just in time to see Akane
fall past the lighting grid.  "Akane!"  Quickly she leapt and, using Sagat as
a momentary springboard, jumped high into the air toward her fiancee.

     She caught Akane a moment later, holding the taller girl protectively in
her arms.  "I've got you!" she shouted.  "You're safe n-"

     Ranma-chan happened to glance down, only to see Sagat directly below,
fist clenched and grinning in anticipation.  With a yelp of panic, she 
twisted her body, preparing to take Sagat's punch in order to keep Akane 
safe...

     Then Sagat merely stepped aside, and the two girls slammed heavily onto
the mat.

     Moments passed, then slowly Akane lifted her head.  "R... Ranma?"  She
cast about, only to find her fiancee flattened beneath her, out cold. 
"Ranma!"  She desperately shook the red-haired girl, trying to wake her up. 
"Come *on*, Ranma!  We have to... to..."

     She stopped, then turned around and clambered to her feet as Sagat
loomed over her.  Akane raised her fists, but it was clear that she wouldn't
be able to put up much resistance.

     Not that this mattered to Sagat.  "That was a nice little maneuver
there," he commented, and suddenly particles of blue light began to gather
around him.  "Allow me to return the favor."

     "No way..." Hiroshi breathed.  "Not only is he going to finish the
fight, he's going all out against an obviously weakened opponent!  But what
kind of special attack is he planning?"

     Daisuke stared at the particles, a nasty suspicion building within him. 
"I've got a bad feeling about this..."

     "What do you mean?"

     "Sakura mentioned one time a special technique occasionally used in the
Street Fighter tournaments," the dark-haired announcer explained tensely. 
"It's basically a way to exchange one's gathered chi energy for a burst of
speed, rather than pure power as is usually the case."

     Hiroshi scratched his head.  "That doesn't sound *too* bad."

     "She said it wasn't very popular.  But if you combine the speed with
Sagat's strength..."

     His partner winced.  "...this... could be messy."

     In the ring, Akane was unaware of this conversation, and watched Sagat
carefully.  She didn't dare rush him, not with his reach; she had to let him
make the first move...

     And he did.  The blue glow around him suddenly snapped into focus, and
he charged toward her.  She tried to dodge out of the way, but it was far too
late.

     Surrounded by energy, moving so fast that he left blue-tinted
afterimages in his wake, Sagat unleashed a withering barrage of punches and
kicks, slamming into Akane's weakened form more times than she could count. 
And the afterimages were more than just illusions; she found that out when 
one delivered a kick to her temple as she tried to escape from the real 
Sagat.

     A few seconds later, and it was all over.  Akane, covered with abrasions
and more than a few bruises, fell to her knees before collapsing in a heap.

     The referee, who had wisely stayed well away from the entire brawl,
climbed into the ring and began counting; neither of the two girls moved a
muscle before he reached ten.  "The winner, and new Gamma champion... SAGAT!"

     As the crowd booed and the kickboxer held up his prize, Daisuke lunged
for the staff intercom.  "Paramedics!" he shouted into it.  "We need a med
team at ringside, *stat*!"

     He needn't have bothered - a team was already on its way down the ramp,
carefully avoiding Sagat as he made his way backstage.  They swarmed into the
ring and clustered around Akane.  Ranma-chan, apparently, was a lesser
priority, and for good reason; she was already beginning to stand up, though
it was a slow process.

     Meanwhile, the chief paramedic finished a quick diagnosis of the
youngest Tendo girl.  "Mild concussion... a few bruised ribs... nothing
broken, though."  He straightened up, looking a little less concerned.  
"She's damn lucky it wasn't worse than that."

     "Akane..."  Ranma-chan moved closer as her fiancee began to stir. 
"C'mon, wake up..."

     "R... Ranma...?"  Her voice was weak, and she slowly opened her eyes. 
"Ranma... I..."  She stopped, suddenly noticing the crowd of medics around
her.  Despite their protests, she managed to sit up, staring blankly ahead. 
"We lost."

     Ranma-chan's expression was not unkind.  "Yeah.  That's the way it goes
sometimes."

     Suddenly Akane's fist pounded the mat.  "Dammit, it's not *fair*!" she
shouted, and Ranma-chan was surprised to see tears welling in her eyes. 
"After everything he's done, we were supposed to *beat* him!  We HAD to..." 
Her eyes suddenly clenched shut and she lowered her head.  "...*I* had to..."

     "Shh."  Ranma-chan knelt next to her, wrapping her arms around her
fiancee.  "I know, Akane.  I know."  The dark-haired girl sobbed once or 
twice in sheer frustration.

     A few timeless moments passed... then the mood was shattered when the
entire audience let out an 'Awwwwww...'  The girls blinked, then quickly 
moved away from each other and pretended that it had never happened.

     Daisuke sighed in relief.  "Well, looks like Sagat won this match the
way we all knew he would - mercilessly."

     "But what a NAILBITER of a fight!  Right, folks?"  As a loud cheer rose
in response, Hiroshi picked up his chair (blown over by the cyclone) and sat
down.  "And there's more where that came from!  Stay tuned - we'll be back in
just a minute!"

     "As soon as we get a new table, anyway," Daisuke amended.

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

     RIIIIIIIP.

     "Aww, maan!" Son Gokuu groaned, studying his black and white striped 
shirt in the mirror of his private dressing room.  "Not again.  That's the 
third shirt I've ripped this week!  ChiChi's gonna have a fit..."

     "I somehow doubt that, Gokuu," a gruff voice spoke.  "She's glad you're 
not gallivanting around and you're coming home every night.  Small price to 
pay for a few ripped shirts, right?"

     "...wha?  Piccolo!" Gokuu greeted, waving to his Not So Little Green 
Friend.  "I wasn't expecting to see you tonight!  Hey, how are you?  Did you 
come to see me referee tonight's Omega Grudge Match?"

     The Namekian strolled into the dressing room, looking around with a bit 
of disgust.  "They wanted me to wear one of those hideous shirts when I had 
to fill in for you," he noted.  "I hear stripes are slimming.  I'm not sure 
if that's a good thing for people like us... but maybe for you..."

     "Huh?"

     And, in a masculine sort of way rather than a naughty sort of way, 
Piccolo reached out and pinched Gokuu.

     "H-Hey!  That tickles!" Gokuu protested... before looking down.  "What 
the...?"

     "Maybe it's not an inch, but that's definitely body fat," Piccolo 
commented, after removing his hand.  "Gokuu... how much have you been 
training and practicing lately?"

     "Uh... well, admittedly not very much," Son Gokuu said, rubbing a hand 
behind his head.  "I haven't needed to.  After all, no big aliens threatening 
to blow up the planet or anything.  And, well, whenever someone threatens the 
planet, Ultra seems to take care of it all by themselves..."

     "I had a feeling that's how it was," Piccolo replied, sitting down on a 
nearby bench.  "Gokuu... you've gotten soft as Ultra's referee.  It's the 
easiest job on the planet; I should know, I had to do it for a week.  
Speaking as one of the closest things you have to a friend, I hate to see 
this happening to you."

     "Gosh... I guess you're right," Gokuu said, sitting on the opposite 
bench.  "I haven't done any extensive training in awhile.  I lift weights now 
and then..."

     "Weights?" Piccolo asked, peering at him curiously.

     "Okay, municipal buses," Gokuu corrected.  "I have an understanding with 
the government of Tokyo.  I bench press a few busses every Tuesday and 
Thursday to keep in shape... but I guess it's not working..."

     "That's why I came tonight.  I've got a proposal.  I've been getting a 
bit soft myself... I'm going to go train for a year in the mountains.  You 
interested in coming?  Not that I'd be lonely, but you need it more than me, 
frankly."

     "Well... gosh!  That sounds like a lot of fun!  But... what about 
Ultra?"

     "You said it yourself, Gokuu," Piccolo reminded him.  "Ultra takes care 
of itself.  They'll find a replacement."  Trying to hide a snickering grin, 
he also added, "And they always have Krillin."

     "That's right!" Gokuu said, not catching the sarcasm.  "I'll go tell 
Nabiki right now-- hey, there she is!  What luck!"

     Nabiki looked up from her clipboard, stopping in front of the open door.  
"What what?"

     "I quit," Gokuu said happily.  "It's been great, but I've got a lot of 
training to do!  Thanks for the job, Miss Tendo!"

     "You what--?!"

     "Is that gonna be a problem?" Gokuu asked, getting to his feet.  "I 
could hang out a week or two before I leave, if you prefer--"

     Nabiki checked her notes... and shook her head.  "No... to tell the 
truth, one less salary would help us out a lot.  Krillin can handle tonight's 
fight, I suppose..."

     "Great, so everybody wins!" Gokuu said.  "C'mon, Piccolo!  Race you to 
the top of Mt. Fuji!"

     An orange blur and a green blur whisked by Nabiki fast enough to yank 
the papers from her clipboard.  With a groan, she stooped to gather them 
up... and found someone handing them to her.

     "Here you go," Washuu said.  "He quit, huh?"

     "...yeah, he did.  What're you doing down here, Washuu?"

     "Oh, I locked onto your unique DNA fingerprint and tracked your location 
to open a portal to so I could make a request," Washuu explained.  "And from 
the sounds of it, it's just the request you'd like to hear.  Fighter salaries 
are higher than referee salaries, right..?"

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

     "Personally, I think he's just biding his time," Daisuke was saying when 
they got back from a promotional spot for the Dairy Farmers of Japan.  "Dark 
Schneider was an Omega champion twice removed from Yuffie.  The only reason 
he's helping her keep the belt now is so he can challenge her for it later."

     "I don't know, Daisuke... he could have challenged her for it anytime 
since she got it, but instead he's been helping her win match after match.  
It doesn't make sense... ah, we're back!" Hiroshi noticed.  "Folks, the 
action only gets more intense from here on out!  Coming up next, it's a 
showdown for the Omega title... the Omega Battle Royale with Cheese!"

     "Another fine Jack product.  He's declined to tell us exactly what an 
'Omega Battle Royale with Cheese' is, but if it's anything like the 
Apocalypse Brawl a few seasons back where the whole Omega division tore up 
Tokyo..."

     "Relax, Daisuke, it's not local," Hiroshi soothed.  "Plus, a few Omega 
competitors have declined the invitation: notably Washuu and Sephiroth, who 
will be fighting later in a grudge match to settle an unknown score!  But for 
now... we take you now live and direct to... um... wherever we're going!"

E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e E e

     On a wide yellow-brown plain sat a rotund, red rocket-ship. It was not 
one of the sleek, high-tech spacecraft of science fiction. Nor one of the 
solid, reliable NASA designs. It wasn't even particularly retro, a la '50s 
sci-fi.

     In fact, it looked like it was built out of common household parts.

     "There's more variety here, boy."

     Next to the rocket-ship sat two individuals, a balding man and a mutt. 
They sat on a blanket, with an open picnic basket and the tools of their 
trade arrayed out before them.

     Knives and crackers.

     "Hmm... This one's got a bit of a swiss flavor to it." The man studied 
the landscape with intent, occasionally slicing off a section and laying it 
on a cracker, then taking a bite.

     Eleven blue portals opened with a simultaneous hum. Nine people, a 
giant, hard-edged robot, and a large, cloaked lump (with a size on par with 
the giant robot) stepped out.

     The dog blinked. Nine of the most powerful individuals on the planet (as 
well as Krillin) looked around at their surroundings. He couldn't really tell 
about the lump.

     "Tastes slightly like munst-gack!" The dog grabbed the man, ran to the 
spacecraft, chucked the man inside, then followed and closed the door 
(clothes-drier) with a clang. Seconds later, the rocket-ship started to 
shudder and exploded from the landscape on a jet of flame.

     The omega competitors collectively stared at the retreating craft, which 
could distinctly be heard emitting the words "But we forgot the crackers, 
Grommit! The crackers!"

     Krillin pursed his lips. "Well, we're alone, now. I'm sure you all know 
the rules, no destroying the planet, no killing each other. Last person 
standing wins." He paused a moment. "Begin."

][ ULTRARAGE ETA MATCH #5 : OMEGA BATTLE ROYALE WITH CHEESE
][ B-KO DAITOKUJI vs. DAN HIBIKI vs. DARK SCHNEIDER vs. DUO MAXWELL vs. GALLY
   vs. LINA INVERSE vs. NAGA THE WHITE SERPENT vs. 'SHOCKWAVE' ALBERTO vs. 
   VOIDUCK vs. YUFFIE KISARAGI
][ Special Guest Booker : Jeff Petersen
][ SAY CHEEZE! ^_^

     "Ooohohohoho!" B-Ko's voice emanated from the large, cloaked lump. "Now 
you shall all face the amazing might of my--"

     "That is infringement!" Naga cried out. "And poor infringement at that! 
This is how you laugh: OOOOOHOHOHOHO--"

     Eight of the most powerful individuals on the planet, and Krillin, 
sweatdropped at the pair.

     "Bah! My technological genius can outperform any of your pathetic, 
mortal feats! Behold! The Akagiyama [Insert nifty Mecha name]!" The cloak 
bulged, and then was whipped off with a flourish.

     Everyone else stared for a moment. "Isn't that Sana-chan?" Lina asked. 
Indeed, the latest creation of the heir to the Daitokuji clan was a spitting 
image replica of the sometimes Ultra host. Right down to the pony-tailed 
hair, and large, shifty eyes.

     "I think I'm sensing a trend," Krillin mused.

     "OoooOOOOHOHOHOHO!" B-Ko's laugh increased in decibel level to the point 
where the ground shook. "I shall crush you pathetic cretins in the name of my 
love for my darling Sephi--"

     Collectively, a fireball, an ice lance, a shockwave, a lightning bolt, a 
series of magical bullets and a flight of missile bees slammed into the 
gigantic Sana simulacrum.

     "Shut up!" Lina, Naga, Alberto, Yuffie, Darshu, and Gally cried out 
together as they fired.

     "Walp!" B-Ko shrieked as the titanic machine toppled over backwards. It 
bounced slightly on the springy surface of the planet, sending rippling waves 
out.

     "Whoa!" Duo hauled back on his controls as he struggled keep the 
Deathscythe upright.

     "-OHOHO! I shall crush you pathetic cretins--" B-Ko started to repeat 
her words in a tinny, artificial voice. "--in the name of my lo--"

     A second volley of firepower slammed into the overturned girl-like 
mecha, reducing it to so much scrap metal. And thankfully, it shut up, too.

     "Huh. Now that that's finished, it's time to deal with the largest 
threat," Alberto smirked and drew back his arms. His hands started to glow 
and quiver. He thrust his hands forward, and a pair of shockwaves blasted 
forth from them...

     ... directly at the Gundam Deathscythe. The beleaguered mecha stumbled 
back a few steps from the thunder-inducing blast. Inside, Duo grunted and 
swung his beam-scythe forward to try and counterbalance his direction.

     "Eyaa!" Lina cried as the grouped fighters dodged out of the way of the 
huge weapon as it sliced easily into the ground. The smell of toasted asiago 
filled the area.

     Alberto turned from his short leap. "You're almost finished, boy," he 
said quietly, tightening his fists. He flexed his legs, ready to jump right 
on top of the giant mecha.

     "Ha! Dan will not allow you to take advantage of one who is not ready to 
fight!" The pink wonder bounded down in front of Alberto and thrust out his 
arms. "Gadouken!" A pink puffball of energy emanated out from the 
outstretched palms of the Saikyo master.

     Alberto's eyes widened as it exploded against his white suit with a soft 
pop. He instinctively jerked back and shut his eyes against the bright flash 
of the explosion.

     Dan bounded off with a cry of "YAHOOIII!"

     Alberto grunted and turned to glare as the pink wonder hopped away. His 
teeth clenched down tighter on the cigar in mouth. The end ignited white-hot. 
"Pathetic," he uttered under his breath.

     Fists clenched, 'Shockwave' Alberto gave chase towards 'Stone Cold' Dan 
Hibiki.

     Duo managed to steady himself. He saw a pair of bodies leaping off into 
the distance, one pink and one white. "Ah, get back here!" He urged the 
Deathscythe forward, its massive footsteps sending tremors through the area.

     Something flashed across the ground in front of him. He started to track 
it immediately, bringing his long beam-scythe up defensively.

     Gally twisted sharply in her circumference of the Gundam and jumped. She 
alighted briefly on the tip of Duo's main weapon, then jumped again, sailing 
up until she was nearly level with the Gundam's head.

     A stream of small projectiles shot forth from her outstretched arm. Duo 
swung his shield up. Most of them exploded harmlessly against the barrier, 
but a few snuck by to drop a small smattering of blasts across the mecha's 
torso.

     "Fight me." Gally dropped back to the cheese and stared up at Duo.

     He cast one glance towards where Alberto had disappeared, then narrowed 
his eyes. "Fine."

     The scythe swung forward in a wide arc, low to the ground. Gally flipped 
backwards in a dodge. The white-hot blade seared through the air mere inches 
from her chest.

     She pa